Tag: realmotherhood

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To the Mom Who Wants to Take Better Care of Herself, But Can’t Figure Out How

Dear mama, I know you’ve heard the statements “you need to take better care of yourself” or “you need to make time for self-care” and each time you do, you may make a mental note of how you’re going to do this but then the next day rolls around and you find that there just the time, energy, or mental capacity to even know where to start along the path of self-care. Do I start with exercising? Do I start with figuring out what makes me happy and trying to factor it into my day? Do I start with better sleep? Do I start by eating better? I know how daunting it can be and we may end up feeling worse as we look upon the mountains of laundry, dishes, and tasks that revolve around keeping our children healthy, happy, and safe, as well as keeping the ship afloat at home. I personally found after having my second child that I had to work really hard at incorporating self-care into my day. I didn’t realize how much harder it would be once I had two little ones to continue to take good care of myself but I found out the hard way that I either make time for myself, or my body will force me to take the time.

So I get it dear mama. I know you have days where you don’t feel like yourself. I know you look back on yourself ten years ago and you can’t recognize who that person was and what they used to like doing with their time. I know you have passions and things you love to do, but there’s so much on your plate that it can seem like a far-fetched reality to try and engage in those desired activities again. I know you go to bed each night perhaps feeling depleted, exhausted, and not knowing how the day passed. You may feel as though you didn’t get everything done and you realize that yet another day has passed where you remained at the end of your never-ending list of things to tend to. It’s not your fault. It never has been. When I talk about self-care for moms, I’m very careful about how I approach it because I never want a mother to think that it’s her fault that she feels the way she does or that she hasn’t tended to her needs. This isn’t a blaming game- it’s a wake-up call that we all need once in a while to help us do a little shift in our perspectives, priorities, and lifestyles. When I talk about self-care, I try to frame it from the aspect of what does society need to do to enable us to take better care of ourselves? Because let’s face it- all of our responsibilities are here to stay. So how can we incorporate this vital aspect of our lives into our already overflowing schedules?

I’ll tell you what I did. I started small. And by small, I mean 10 minutes. I mean I started becoming more intentional about my day and what I spent my time on. It meant being selective about what I gave my energy to. It meant going to the Doctor to discuss some symptoms I had been having and getting treated for them. It meant setting aside 15 minutes each night before I sleep to drink a cup of tea while reading a good book and telling myself that I was doing this because I deserve to do things that I enjoy in my life and that bring me peace and comfort. It meant that I schedule down time during my day where I don’t feel the need to fill every second of it with some task that needs to be done. It means meeting up with a good friend once in a while. It means going out by myself for 30 minutes and coming back feeling refreshed and rejuvenated even though there is laundry and dishes and cooking and work to get done. It means limiting interactions with others that don’t contribute to my well-being. It means putting my needs first once in a while because when I do that, I’m much more able to tend to the needs of those I love the most.

That is what I did and you know what? It didn’t take as much time as I had made it to be in my mind. In fact, I felt more productive to continue on with my daily responsibilities, and I felt happier, lighter, and more at peace. Do I always get to engage in the self-care that I need to? Nope. But I do make an effort to incorporate at least one thing and to be intentional about it.

Mama, you are so important. Your health and well-being are vital to the health and well-being of your entire family. I know there’s so much to do and not enough time and I know those beautiful children of yours are so dependent on you and take up most of your energy and time. But you are a person too. And a very worthy person. A person who deserves to go about her day at a pace that lets her breathe. A person who deserves rest, love, support, and appreciation.

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Thriving in Motherhood

blossoming tulip

I know there are phases in our lives where we are in survival mode. Our main priority is to get through that minute, hour, day, and week while tending to our most basic needs and the needs of those around us. The problem however arises when we feel that that’s all we’ve been doing over a long period of time- barely getting through each day. 

If you’re finding yourself to be constantly running around whether it’s juggling home life, or home life plus working or running your own business or taking care of other family members, along with social commitments and the like, and you feel depleted, sleep-deprived, stressed, and overwhelmed, then perhaps it’s a good time to take a step back. Take a big step… way back. Then go back some more.

How long have you been in this mode, mama? This isn’t meant to shame you or make you feel guilty about your lifestyle- this post is simply intended to bring to your awareness that survival mode isn’t a healthy or pleasant way to live long-term. It’s to remind you that thriving from this incredible journey of motherhood is possible. It can help you grow into the person you want to be. It can help you find your passion. And it can help you prioritize and see the things that matter most in your life. 

If you’re finding that you’ve been in survival mode for way too long, think about what it is that can facilitate a change. Do you need more help from those around you? Do you need to drop a commitment or activity? Do you need to put some boundaries and limit interactions with some people who further deplete you? Do you need to look at your expectations of yourself and whether they’re realistic now or not? Do you remember the last time you did something purely for the sake of taking care of yourself? 

This isn’t to say that you need to be constantly growing and thriving and can’t have those periods in your life where things are understandably difficult and you just need to focus on getting through. This post is looking at the big picture and trying to figure out what areas of your life may need to be revamped in order to help you thrive in the ways you would like to.

We can thrive along this messy, complicated, beautiful, difficult, miraculous journey. We just have to re-evaluate our priorities from time to time and figure out what it is we need to get us there. 

And remember dear mama that your needs don’t always need to be on the back-burner. Your dreams don’t need to be forgotten. Yes, there may be phases where some things need to be on hold, but don’t forget yourself, mama. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean “me first,” it means “me too.” You are important and worthy and valuable and needed and loved.

It doesn’t always have to be survival mode.

You can thrive mama. 

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Transitions in Motherhood

Mom with child walking on dock

Our motherhood journeys are filled with transitions. Some of them are good, and others are more difficult. We go through the transition from being pregnant to recovering and experiencing all the joys and challenges of the postpartum phase. The transition from sleeping well to not sleeping well. The transition from having some time to ourselves to being responsible for another human being 24/7.  We go through transitions with our babies who develop and grow so quickly from tiny babies to little crawlers to toddlers. We transition from only feeding them breastmilk/formula to solids and from swaddles to sleep sacks. We transition them from bassinets or from sleeping next to us to their own cribs/beds. We may go through the transition of being at home with our kids to going back to work or the opposite may happen. Transitions can be difficult to cope with and some transition periods may take longer than others. The important thing to remember is to give yourself some grace and kindness through it all. Change can be difficult, even when it’s a good change.

Tips to Help Cope During Transitions:

Be kind to yourself. Being kind to ourselves and to those around us is key during these transitions. Knowing that it may not always be a smooth ride and that our expectations play a big role in how our experience goes, is so important.

Find a supportive community. During the difficult transitions in my life, I found it immensely helpful to seek out others going through the same thing and talking about it with them. Having a supportive community is so helpful and it can really uplift us when we feel things weighing down heavily upon us. Whether it’s friends or family or even finding a supportive network of other moms online, having support of any kind is beneficial. When I returned to work after my maternity leave, I had a friend of mine add me to a messaging group of other working moms and we all talked about our daily struggles and joys and we shared tips which was such a wonderful and timely support for me.

Give yourself time and permission to feel what you’re feeling. When we’re going through a difficult transition, it can sometimes feel as though these feelings we’re having are going to last forever. We may feel stuck in how we’re experiencing this transition and think that things may not get much better. We may come down hard on ourselves for finding it so difficult when we think that others were able to get though it “just fine.” I’m here to tell you dear mama that your feelings are valid. I’m here to gently remind you that everyone experiences transitions differently but we may think that others are able to get through them just fine however we simply don’t know what they’re feeling or what they’re going through. We sometimes take things at face value and reach conclusions without knowing for sure which in turn can make us feel bad about ourselves because we think others have it all together, yet we’re struggling daily to make it through. There’s nothing wrong with you for finding a particular transition difficult-your feelings are there for a reason. Listen to yourself and give yourself time to process it all.

Envision what things may look like after the difficult transition has passed. This is a very useful technique I sometimes use with my clients (and I use it too!). Let’s say you’re transitioning your child from your room to their own room and you’re having all sorts of nervous, yet excited feelings about it. You’re nervous because you’ve been so used to having them at arm’s reach and being able to check on them frequently throughout the night, yet you’re also excited to have your bedroom back and hopefully get better sleep for the both of you. First off, know that all your feelings are valid. Then take a moment to envision what it may look like when your child has settled nicely into their new environment and you have your privacy back. It may help settle some of the angst you have and help you keep going throughout the transition to think of the end goal and how nice it may be.  

Transitions are difficult and we may not talk about them with each other enough which may make us feel more lonely and isolated in how we’re feeling. You’ll get through it mama, it won’t always be this unsettling or frightening.

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To the Mother whose Maternity Leave is Ending Soon

mother kissing baby

I feel you dear mama as the clock is ticking and the time between now and your return to work is getting shorter. When you can’t imagine spending so many hours away from your baby because you’ve been attached at the hip since birth. I feel you and the tremendous guilt that is front and centre in your mind and in your heart. The thought of someone else taking care of your body and meeting his/her needs while you’re away which has been nagging at you and it has taken everything within you not to go back on your decision to return to work.  

I know how hard it is imagining that someone else will be putting your baby down for their nap, and someone else will get to look at their adorable face as they wake up. I know how hard it can be to imagine that someone else will be feeding, changing, and playing with your baby. I know you love your child more than anything and that your decision to go back to work is one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever had to make. I know you’re taking as many pictures as you can so you can look at them when you’re at work, when your heart is longing to see your precious one.  I know your eyes will well up when colleagues ask you how your baby is doing and you’ll choke back tears as you talk about them and how amazing they are. I know that the best part of your day will be the minute you walk in and see their eyes light up at seeing you and you embrace them so tightly and never want to let them go.

I know you try to think of all the perks you may enjoy while at work as a way to comfort yourself when you feel down. Perks such as eating your lunch uninterrupted, having adult interaction, and perhaps drinking your coffee or tea while it’s still warm.  I know you may start to feel mom-guilt for thinking about these perks and how you may enjoy some of the time that you’re away from your child.

I know your maternity leave feels like it flew by and you wish you could pause time for a bit. I’m feeling that now as the weeks, days, and minutes seem to fly by as my maternity leave is coming to an end. I look back on this past year and I can’t believe where the time has gone. Of course during the beginning of my maternity leave when I was in the thick of it (aka newborn trenches, aka not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night), the days felt like they were dragging on and some days I wished time would go faster to the point where my daughter would sleep better and I could have some time for myself instead of being on nursing duty 24/7. Now I wish time would slow down-way down.

I know it’s hard and a mother’s decisions are never easy. Our societies expect mothers to work as if they don’t have children and finding flexible, understanding workplaces is a rarity. I know you’re worried about how you’ll manage it all and find that “balance.” I know you’re going to be giving all your energy to your work and you may feel the guilt again when you get home and you feel drained and wish you had more energy to give your child.  I know that this balancing act is hard and some things have to give for other things to happen.

But guess what? Although the first little while of adjusting to this new routine will be difficult for you and your family, it will get better. You’ll always miss your baby and you’ll always spend every free minute looking at their pictures, but once you get into a good rhythm and find ways to cope and keep the ship afloat, you’ll realize that initial gut-wrenching pain of being away from your baby will become less and less. The time you spend together will be much more special and you’ll find your new normal. You’ll be amazed at all the interesting things your child is learning and you’ll feel so proud of this little baby that is growing and developing and having fun.

It’s hard and I know you wonder if you’re doing the right thing. I’m right there with you. We’ll all come out on the other side. One day at a time.

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Take Care of Your Heart

woman throwing leaves

I know some days are tough-really tough. Some phases in your life that consist of weeks, months, or even years may have passed with great difficulty and you’re unsure how you made it through, but you did. Even if things are going relatively well in your life now, you may still have those days that weigh so heavily on your heart and mind and you feel a tightness in your chest for some reason that you just can’t put your finger on. To add to all of this, there is no shortage of difficult news in our world today which can add to our hurting hearts and make it all the more harder to cope and function in our day-to-day lives.

I want you to know that you have a beautiful heart dear mama. Your heart experiences the whole range of possible emotions, sometimes all in one day. You have so much love for your children and your family, yet you have this nagging worry in your mind that doesn’t leave you. You feel proud of your children, you feel concern for their well-being, you feel sad, you feel happy, you feel disappointed, you feel lonely and you feel exhausted. You feel loved, you feel down, you feel good, you feel accomplished, you feel and feel and feel. I want you to know that your feelings are valid and although you may sometimes think that you “shouldn’t” feel a certain way-that’s just not the way emotions work. The important thing with our feelings is to acknowledge them, sit with them, recognize them, accept them, then find ways to cope with them.

There is more and more research out there about the heart and how it has its own “little brain.” The vagus nerve is one of the nerves that connects the brain to the rest of the body. Interestingly, 80% of its bandwidth is taken up by carrying signals from the body to the brain. Our brains are constantly being fed information from our heart and gut and these signals play a critical role in how we think, feel and react. (info taken from Five Deep Breaths-The Power of Mindful Parenting by Dr. Genevieve Von Lob).

So the importance of taking care of your heart dear mama is essential. It entails trying to listen to what is going on inside of you, what you’re feeling, how those feelings are impacting your thoughts, and as a result, the impact it will have on your body and your behaviour. What do I mean by taking care of your heart? It could mean putting boundaries in place –boundaries from people and situations which may negatively affect you, as much as possible. It may entail unfollowing certain people from social media because their presence does not bring any positive value to your life and makes you feel less worthy because you think you don’t measure up. It entails avoiding or walking away from situations, conversations, or people that hurt you time and time again. It entails finding a way to make time for yourself where you can rejuvenate and do something you love. It entails viewing yourself as a valuable, loved, worthy human being who is deserving of compassion, care, and understanding.  It can entail communicating your needs to those around you because you can’t keep doing it all and you need help. It can entail trying to love yourself and forgive yourself for past mistakes and work through the guilt that has festered over time.

Any step you take in taking care of your heart will be impactful-just take that first step. While you’re taking that step, mindfully tell yourself “I am taking care of my heart.”  What could be more important?

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One of the Most Important Things I’ve Done Since Becoming a Mother

Managing our expectations and keeping them realistic is essential to our mental health, our self-esteem, and our overall well-being. Managing my expectations of myself, my parenting, and my children has been one of the most important things I’ve done since becoming a mother. This didn’t happen overnight for me- it took a long time to get to a place where I’m okay with things not always going smoothly or if my house isn’t in the best state or if my children don’t always act the way I want them to.

When I first became a mom almost four years ago, I’d be mortified if my son started acting up in public. I’d think that everyone would be judging me for being a bad mother who couldn’t control her child’s behaviour and the negative tape would start playing. Since I’ve started setting realistic expectations for my children’s behaviour, I’m much more relaxed now (although it’s still a work in progress). For example, I went to a stars and strollers show at the movie theatre (it’s a show dedicated for moms who want to bring their babies to a movie and they keep the lights on and lower the volume and have changing tables around etc.) I called up a friend and we took our babies. Before going, I had set my expectations really low and told myself that if my daughter only let me watch 30 mins of a 2-hour movie, I’d be happy! My daughter gave me 30 mins of peace and quiet and happily sat on my lap and ate her snacks. She then became restless (rightfully so- she’s only 13 months!) so she started crawling around everywhere, cried at some points, climbed up and down the stairs, tried to eat stuff off the ground, etc.) We didn’t make it to the end of the movie which I was fine with. I chose to focus on the good aspects of our outing and the time she did let me enjoy rather than focus on the frustrating and exhausting moments. I knew from the outset that it wasn’t going to be a smooth outing yet it wasn’t all bad and it went almost better than I expected.  Having realistic expectations of my daughter really helped.

Having reaIistic expectations of yourself is also so important. I hear a lot of mothers saying they wish they had more time and energy to cook more homemade meals, maintain a clean and organized home, take their children to more playgroups/activities, plan outings with their friends and resume some sort of a social life, carve out time to work out, among a multitude of other things. Yes it’s good to aspire to do better, but the problem becomes when these aspirations dampen our spirits, make us feel that these goals are unattainable and therefore we’re failing somehow, and make us feel that we’re not doing this whole motherhood thing right. None of these things are actually true. When we become mothers, are bodies and minds are consumed with caring for our children and we expect so much more of ourselves when caring for children is a full-time 24-hour/day job in and of itself.

Take a moment and look at your life and all your responsibilities and commitments and marvel at how well you’ve been doing this far. You do laundry once a week? Great. You cook one meal a week? Awesome. You did something for yourself this week? Fabulous. You survived an outing with your children and everyone came back home safely and somewhat happy? Marvelous.

You may see other moms who seem to be juggling more than you but please for your sake, your family’s sake and your sanity’s sake, don’t compare yourself to others. We are all so different in terms of our bodies, our capabilities, our support systems, our family dynamics, etc. No one has it all together, no one.

I know it’s hard to redefine our expectations when we’re used to a particular standard but here are some tips that I have found helpful:

Prioritize. Before going to sleep at night, make a list of the top 5 things that need to be done the next day. Factor in all appointments/meetings and figure out what tasks need to be done before/after. This will help keep you organized and it may reduce your stress from all the other things that you feel you need to do, but don’t have enough time for.

Done list. At the end of the day, make a mental note- or even better write it out – of all the things you did accomplish that day-even the smallest of tasks. This can make us feel so productive and accomplished and it’ll show you that you’re probably doing more than you think you are.

Positive Affirmations. Positive affirmations are this treasure that not very many people know about, yet has substantial benefits on our mindset and our well-being. Imagine if you told yourself throughout the day “I’m doing the best I can,”  “my children love me’ “I am a good mother.”  There are so many affirmations that can really help you change your mindset and help with making more realistic expectations. I like telling myself before an outing with my kids “it may not go smoothly or as well as I’d like, but that’s ok. I’m not a bad mother if my children act out or don’t listen to me. Worst case scenario, we’ll just come back home.” This really helps me instead of expecting that things “should” go smoothly and that everyone will be on their best behaviour and listen to me. The latter expectation will only set me up for more frustration.

You’re doing a great job. You have so much potential to do the things you want and need to do but give yourself some grace if you can’t do it all at once.