Tag: postpartumanxiety

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To the Mom Who Wants to Take Better Care of Herself, But Can’t Figure Out How

Dear mama, I know you’ve heard the statements “you need to take better care of yourself” or “you need to make time for self-care” and each time you do, you may make a mental note of how you’re going to do this but then the next day rolls around and you find that there just the time, energy, or mental capacity to even know where to start along the path of self-care. Do I start with exercising? Do I start with figuring out what makes me happy and trying to factor it into my day? Do I start with better sleep? Do I start by eating better? I know how daunting it can be and we may end up feeling worse as we look upon the mountains of laundry, dishes, and tasks that revolve around keeping our children healthy, happy, and safe, as well as keeping the ship afloat at home. I personally found after having my second child that I had to work really hard at incorporating self-care into my day. I didn’t realize how much harder it would be once I had two little ones to continue to take good care of myself but I found out the hard way that I either make time for myself, or my body will force me to take the time.

So I get it dear mama. I know you have days where you don’t feel like yourself. I know you look back on yourself ten years ago and you can’t recognize who that person was and what they used to like doing with their time. I know you have passions and things you love to do, but there’s so much on your plate that it can seem like a far-fetched reality to try and engage in those desired activities again. I know you go to bed each night perhaps feeling depleted, exhausted, and not knowing how the day passed. You may feel as though you didn’t get everything done and you realize that yet another day has passed where you remained at the end of your never-ending list of things to tend to. It’s not your fault. It never has been. When I talk about self-care for moms, I’m very careful about how I approach it because I never want a mother to think that it’s her fault that she feels the way she does or that she hasn’t tended to her needs. This isn’t a blaming game- it’s a wake-up call that we all need once in a while to help us do a little shift in our perspectives, priorities, and lifestyles. When I talk about self-care, I try to frame it from the aspect of what does society need to do to enable us to take better care of ourselves? Because let’s face it- all of our responsibilities are here to stay. So how can we incorporate this vital aspect of our lives into our already overflowing schedules?

I’ll tell you what I did. I started small. And by small, I mean 10 minutes. I mean I started becoming more intentional about my day and what I spent my time on. It meant being selective about what I gave my energy to. It meant going to the Doctor to discuss some symptoms I had been having and getting treated for them. It meant setting aside 15 minutes each night before I sleep to drink a cup of tea while reading a good book and telling myself that I was doing this because I deserve to do things that I enjoy in my life and that bring me peace and comfort. It meant that I schedule down time during my day where I don’t feel the need to fill every second of it with some task that needs to be done. It means meeting up with a good friend once in a while. It means going out by myself for 30 minutes and coming back feeling refreshed and rejuvenated even though there is laundry and dishes and cooking and work to get done. It means limiting interactions with others that don’t contribute to my well-being. It means putting my needs first once in a while because when I do that, I’m much more able to tend to the needs of those I love the most.

That is what I did and you know what? It didn’t take as much time as I had made it to be in my mind. In fact, I felt more productive to continue on with my daily responsibilities, and I felt happier, lighter, and more at peace. Do I always get to engage in the self-care that I need to? Nope. But I do make an effort to incorporate at least one thing and to be intentional about it.

Mama, you are so important. Your health and well-being are vital to the health and well-being of your entire family. I know there’s so much to do and not enough time and I know those beautiful children of yours are so dependent on you and take up most of your energy and time. But you are a person too. And a very worthy person. A person who deserves to go about her day at a pace that lets her breathe. A person who deserves rest, love, support, and appreciation.

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Coping with Postpartum Anxiety

Nearly all mothers experience some anxiety after having their baby. Post-partum anxiety can greatly impact a mother’s well-being and functioning for quite some time after having her baby. There are many factors that can contribute to a mother feeling anxious such as changes in hormone levels after birth, a difficult and painful birth and recovery, a lack of support, sleep-deprivation, feeling overwhelmed with the demands of caring for a baby, among others.

There are some common signs that a mother is experiencing postpartum anxiety. Among these signs are:

  1. Obsessive worry over your baby
  2. Constant worry that you’ll hurt your child or drop them and the need to constantly check on your baby
  3. Irritability and agitation
  4. Difficulty with sleeping and eating

Anxiety isn’t always a bad thing. Anxiety is that feeling that tells us something isn’t right and that we need to intervene. It’s only when the anxiety is constant and interferes with our daily functioning that we need to do something about it. The good news is that there are ways to cope with anxiety in an effort to reduce its impact on our lives and our well-being. It is possible to get your anxiety under control, dear mama. The anxiety you feel does not define you- it is something you experience that can be managed.

Talk to someone about it. It is so important that mothers talk to someone about their anxiety and reach out for help-although this may be very difficult. Many people are reluctant to disclose that they are struggling, especially new moms when they are expected to be enjoying every minute of their new chapter as mothers (news flash: you don’t have to enjoy every minute in order to be a good mother). Finding someone who is trustworthy and nonjudgmental to speak to can really help. Speaking to a mental health professional is very important as they can help find ways that are specific to the mother’s condition that can help her cope better in her everyday life.

Deep breathing. We sometimes underestimate the impact deep breathing can have on our well-being. I tell my patients that we can’t be relaxed and anxious at the same time. The more we strengthen the relaxation response, the less the anxiety will have power over us. Taking slow deep breaths (breathe in for four seconds, hold the breath for four seconds and breathe out while counting to 8 seconds) can be very therapeutic. It may take time to start seeing the effect but like anything, the more you practice something, the better it will be.  When you feel the anxiety is really affecting you, try to find a calm place and take some slow deep breaths and tell yourself while doing it “I’m okay.” Which brings me to my next point.

Cognitive reframing. A lot of the time, our anxiety spikes up because we’ve had a thought- a negative thought about something bad that is going to happen or something coming up that we’re worried about. Or our children do something that puts us on edge and makes our anxiety worse. We may look around the house and find it cluttered, or our children spill something, or our children are crying and having meltdowns in public-all of which many mothers say make their anxiety worse. One of the important things we can do for ourselves at that moment is to take a minute to be aware of our thoughts and what they’re telling us. Thoughts such as “everyone is going to think I’m a bad mother” or “I’ll never sleep well again” can really be a factor in our anxiety worsening. Try to become more self aware of the thoughts spiraling in your mind and try to challenge them or reframe them. When we tell ourselves a negative story and we believe it, our anxiety and our mood will worsen versus when we try to tell ourselves a different story. This isn’t to say we don’t think realistically- things may be very difficult for you and it’s important to validate that. What we want to avoid however is catastrophizing and cause our thoughts to go out of control in a spiral of negativity. This is very hard work to do and it helps to do it with a mental health professional who can walk you through it. The more we recognize the impact of our thoughts on our well-being, the more we’ll be able to control and reframe them.

Journaling. Journaling can really help us become more aware of our thoughts and how they impact us. Sometimes we don’t even know how to go about in starting to journal. However once we get into the habit of writing our thoughts out, it’ll start to flow more naturally and it can really help us reframe and cope with our anxious thoughts.

Mindfulness. There is so much research out there on the positive effects of mindfulness. Mindfulness helps connect us to the present moment which is important when we’re anxious as our anxiety is usually tied to things that are in the future. There are many apps nowadays that we can install on our phones that provide meditation programs that can really help calm our minds. Even taking 10-15 minutes a day to practice mindfulness can really help in several aspects of our lives. Mindfulness can help relieve stress, improve sleep, reduce chronic pain and improve our overall mental well-being.

Take care of yourself. The more burnt out we are, the easier it’ll be for our anxiety and our moods to worsen and impact us. I know this is easier said than done, believe me, I know. I realized however along my motherhood journey that the more I put my needs last, the less I’d be able to care for those around me. When I make my health and well-being high up on my priority list, everyone wins. And the same goes for you, mama. Maybe it’ll take a conversation with your partner to figure out how he can support you so you can have more time to care for yourself whether that’s time to yourself each day, or an opportunity to go to some wellness appointments (i.e. massage, physiotherapy) to look after yourself, etc. You’re worthy of being cared for too, mama and no one will force you to take care of yourself-you need to advocate for yourself. If you’re struggling with anxiety, this becomes even more important.

Medications. Medications can be helpful to manage anxiety, in addition to incorporating all the strategies listed above. Talk to your doctor to find what will work best for you.

You don’t need to continue to struggle like this, mama. Anxiety is treatable, don’t lose hope. Things can get better for you.

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One of the Most Important Things I’ve Done Since Becoming a Mother

Managing our expectations and keeping them realistic is essential to our mental health, our self-esteem, and our overall well-being. Managing my expectations of myself, my parenting, and my children has been one of the most important things I’ve done since becoming a mother. This didn’t happen overnight for me- it took a long time to get to a place where I’m okay with things not always going smoothly or if my house isn’t in the best state or if my children don’t always act the way I want them to.

When I first became a mom almost four years ago, I’d be mortified if my son started acting up in public. I’d think that everyone would be judging me for being a bad mother who couldn’t control her child’s behaviour and the negative tape would start playing. Since I’ve started setting realistic expectations for my children’s behaviour, I’m much more relaxed now (although it’s still a work in progress). For example, I went to a stars and strollers show at the movie theatre (it’s a show dedicated for moms who want to bring their babies to a movie and they keep the lights on and lower the volume and have changing tables around etc.) I called up a friend and we took our babies. Before going, I had set my expectations really low and told myself that if my daughter only let me watch 30 mins of a 2-hour movie, I’d be happy! My daughter gave me 30 mins of peace and quiet and happily sat on my lap and ate her snacks. She then became restless (rightfully so- she’s only 13 months!) so she started crawling around everywhere, cried at some points, climbed up and down the stairs, tried to eat stuff off the ground, etc.) We didn’t make it to the end of the movie which I was fine with. I chose to focus on the good aspects of our outing and the time she did let me enjoy rather than focus on the frustrating and exhausting moments. I knew from the outset that it wasn’t going to be a smooth outing yet it wasn’t all bad and it went almost better than I expected.  Having realistic expectations of my daughter really helped.

Having reaIistic expectations of yourself is also so important. I hear a lot of mothers saying they wish they had more time and energy to cook more homemade meals, maintain a clean and organized home, take their children to more playgroups/activities, plan outings with their friends and resume some sort of a social life, carve out time to work out, among a multitude of other things. Yes it’s good to aspire to do better, but the problem becomes when these aspirations dampen our spirits, make us feel that these goals are unattainable and therefore we’re failing somehow, and make us feel that we’re not doing this whole motherhood thing right. None of these things are actually true. When we become mothers, are bodies and minds are consumed with caring for our children and we expect so much more of ourselves when caring for children is a full-time 24-hour/day job in and of itself.

Take a moment and look at your life and all your responsibilities and commitments and marvel at how well you’ve been doing this far. You do laundry once a week? Great. You cook one meal a week? Awesome. You did something for yourself this week? Fabulous. You survived an outing with your children and everyone came back home safely and somewhat happy? Marvelous.

You may see other moms who seem to be juggling more than you but please for your sake, your family’s sake and your sanity’s sake, don’t compare yourself to others. We are all so different in terms of our bodies, our capabilities, our support systems, our family dynamics, etc. No one has it all together, no one.

I know it’s hard to redefine our expectations when we’re used to a particular standard but here are some tips that I have found helpful:

Prioritize. Before going to sleep at night, make a list of the top 5 things that need to be done the next day. Factor in all appointments/meetings and figure out what tasks need to be done before/after. This will help keep you organized and it may reduce your stress from all the other things that you feel you need to do, but don’t have enough time for.

Done list. At the end of the day, make a mental note- or even better write it out – of all the things you did accomplish that day-even the smallest of tasks. This can make us feel so productive and accomplished and it’ll show you that you’re probably doing more than you think you are.

Positive Affirmations. Positive affirmations are this treasure that not very many people know about, yet has substantial benefits on our mindset and our well-being. Imagine if you told yourself throughout the day “I’m doing the best I can,”  “my children love me’ “I am a good mother.”  There are so many affirmations that can really help you change your mindset and help with making more realistic expectations. I like telling myself before an outing with my kids “it may not go smoothly or as well as I’d like, but that’s ok. I’m not a bad mother if my children act out or don’t listen to me. Worst case scenario, we’ll just come back home.” This really helps me instead of expecting that things “should” go smoothly and that everyone will be on their best behaviour and listen to me. The latter expectation will only set me up for more frustration.

You’re doing a great job. You have so much potential to do the things you want and need to do but give yourself some grace if you can’t do it all at once.

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Let’s Talk About the Postpartum Experience

baby laying on bed

There’s so much emphasis on pregnancy, labour, and childbirth but I’ve noticed that the postpartum experience of a mother isn’t given as much attention as it deserves. Regardless of how many times you’ve already experienced it, each postpartum experience can be different and comes with unique struggles and joys. After enduring labour pains, childbirth and then experiencing all the emotional highs of meeting your precious baby, the postpartum period can be quite challenging on so many levels.

I recently took a training course on postpartum recoveries and practices in different cultures and I was astounded to learn how mothers are treated in different parts of the world. In Morocco for example, the mother is held in such high stature and is tended to for at least 40 days by family and friends. There are beautiful traditions that take place in this culture and in many others where the mother is enveloped in support by those around her and all that is required of her is to rest, take care of herself, and her child. According to studies done, the incidences of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders in these cultures is noticeably less. 

I find here in North America the postpartum experience is generally quite different. Mothers may be living away from family or they may be living near family but their families are unable to support them as much as is needed. Mothers may end up feeling alone, isolated, burnt out, and ultimately, depressive symptoms start to arise along with heightened anxiety, among other mental health challenges.

The supportive village that is so essential to mothers’ emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing is unfortunately not the norm.   Mothers are having to juggle housework, school/daycare drop-offs and pick-ups (for those with multiple children) as well as keeping up with so many other demands. This is all being done while the mother is simultaneously trying to take care of a newborn baby with needs around the clock, as well as trying to heal herself and recover from such a remarkable experience.  She may find that hours have gone by without a sip of water or a bite to eat as she’s trying to manage the demands of her new life and trying to adjust and find some semblance of a functional routine.  

The postpartum experience can be even more challenging when a mother receives negative comments or unsolicited advice that may leave her feeling less confident, more guilty, and less equipped to care for her baby. We need to encourage and empower mothers to seek help when they need it, and to also trust their intuition. When offering a mother advice, it should be done with kindness, compassion, and letting her know that she should decide what is best for her baby.

Many mothers I’ve spoken to discuss how lonely they feel and that they struggle along their motherhood journeys and these feelings are further perpetuated by society’s expectations to bounce back and manage everything all on their own. This isn’t even mentioning the difficulties some mothers experience with returning to work so soon after the birth of their baby (in some countries, maternity leaves are only 45 days- I’ll be dedicating an entire post to this so stay tuned).

There’s a lot of emphasis on baby’s health and how baby is doing which is of course essential, however do we look as closely to the mother’s health and well-being? Many women are not screened for mental health challenges at their 6-week check-ups and they are sometimes too afraid or embarrassed to open up about how they are feeling to others. What could we be doing better as a society to help support, empower, and encourage mothers during such a pivotal time of their lives?

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Let’s Talk Openly About Breastfeeding

Mother holding a baby

I’m sure we can all agree how beneficial and great breastfeeding is but do we also talk about how common it is to experience breastfeeding difficulties? I did a poll on my Instagram stories recently and 75% of moms indicated that they found breastfeeding difficult at some point.

Breastfeeding is amazing and miraculous and when you really think about it, it’s absolutely wonderful. However, I think a lot of us moms are shocked when we first attempt breastfeeding our babies and find it’s not as easy or straight-forward as we thought it would be. I mean, how could it be so hard? You just put baby on your breast and away he/she goes with the feeding- surely our mothers and their mothers did it so it must be easy because no one ever talked about it being hard. Then we try it and we realize it’s not what we expected it to be like. We think we’re doing it all wrong because we’ve never heard another mom talk about how much it hurts when the baby latches on or that it took a month for their baby to learn how to latch and feed properly or that they had gut-wrenching pain with every feeding. We never heard of cracked nipples and soreness and the exhaustion from trying and trying to feed and get the perfect latch and positioning and still our babies come off hungry and fussy and we feel all our hard work has gone down the drain.  We never heard about mastitis and plugged ducts or tongue ties/lip ties.

You may start thinking that you’re the only one struggling and that you’re messing up this whole motherhood thing. But you’re not. You’re not alone and you’re not messing it up. It really is that hard.

I’ve been wanting to write this post for some time now because I’ve heard from so many mothers about how challenging their breastfeeding journey was. I want to normalize how difficult it can be so that when a new mom tries to breastfeed and realizes how hard it is, she doesn’t come down hard on herself or think that she’s the only one. If you’re having breastfeeding troubles, know that so many mothers are experiencing or have experienced the exact same thing. There is lots of help out there if you need it- lactation consultants really helped me along my breastfeeding journey so don’t be afraid to reach out.

  I had a lactation consultant help me out in the hospital before being discharged and then I had a nurse come out to my house two days after being home with my son and she really helped me with positioning and latching.  I thought I was prepared since I had taken a prenatal breastfeeding workshop and I had read all sorts of books before having my first baby but when it came down to the real deal, I was lost and confused. I spent hours on the couch feeding my son for the first couple months and I remember feeling so disheartened every time I read online that nursing sessions shouldn’t take more than 45 minutes on average and that newborns typically eat every 3 hours- both of which were far-fetched realities for me.

Most of the mothers I personally know have also experienced some difficulty of some sort with breastfeeding. You are not any less of a good mother if breastfeeding didn’t work out for you. I hear from many mothers that breastfeeding is a huge source of guilt because it didn’t work out the way they had hoped. Your feelings are 100% valid but the good news is that there are so many opportunities for you to bond with your baby and give him/her a great start in life.

So if you’re currently struggling with breastfeeding or you have struggled in the past, please know this: you’re not failing- breastfeeding really can be that hard.

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To the Mother of a Newborn Baby

The newborn phase- a time of learning how to take care of a baby that is fully dependent on you while also trying to recover from one of the most challenging/remarkable experiences of your life. 

It can be a time of trying new things, learning, unlearning and doing it all over again day after day. 

I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to feel overwhelmed and to find this phase extremely challenging. It’s ok to not enjoy every single minute as we’re sometimes advised to do by well-meaning individuals. It’s ok for us to just focus on surviving this phase and not having to worry about fitting back into our pre-pregnancy clothes or on keeping our house in immaculate condition.

I recently came out of the newborn trenches aka newborn survival mode and I feel you dear mama. To the mom trying to feed a fussy baby for hours. To the mom who has to miss out on so many things (including sleep) because your baby needs you 24/7. To the mom sitting in her car or at home alone, or a mall change room, trying to feed her baby or put them to sleep with no luck. To the mom who just wants a three-hour stretch of sleep but even that seems too far off. To the mom who finds herself worrying about everything although she never thought she’d be that type of mother. To the mother who stays up at night (even when the baby’s asleep) thinking about whether she’s doing this motherhood thing right. When you feel overwhelming love for your child but you also feel stuck in this new whirlwind that you thought you were prepared for, but weren’t.

When you wonder how and when will it ever get easier? When you wonder to yourself where is this supportive village for mothers that everyone talks about? When you feel that everyone else’s world keeps going but yours has stood still.

To every mother- it seems like this is it and that it’ll never change. But it will. You may think how do all the other moms make it look so easy and why am I the only one who can’t figure this out? But no mother has it easy – not a single  one of us, because this motherhood thing is hard. 

One day at a time.