I feel you dear mama as the clock is ticking and the time
between now and your return to work is getting shorter. When you can’t imagine
spending so many hours away from your baby because you’ve been attached at the
hip since birth. I feel you and the tremendous guilt that is front and centre
in your mind and in your heart. The thought of someone else taking care of your
body and meeting his/her needs while you’re away which has been nagging at you
and it has taken everything within you not to go back on your decision to
return to work.
I know how hard it is imagining that someone else will be putting your baby down for their nap, and someone else will get to look at their adorable face as they wake up. I know how hard it can be to imagine that someone else will be feeding, changing, and playing with your baby. I know you love your child more than anything and that your decision to go back to work is one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever had to make. I know you’re taking as many pictures as you can so you can look at them when you’re at work, when your heart is longing to see your precious one. I know your eyes will well up when colleagues ask you how your baby is doing and you’ll choke back tears as you talk about them and how amazing they are. I know that the best part of your day will be the minute you walk in and see their eyes light up at seeing you and you embrace them so tightly and never want to let them go.
I know you try to think of all the perks you may enjoy while at work as a way to comfort yourself when you feel down. Perks such as eating your lunch uninterrupted, having adult interaction, and perhaps drinking your coffee or tea while it’s still warm. I know you may start to feel mom-guilt for thinking about these perks and how you may enjoy some of the time that you’re away from your child.
I know your maternity leave feels like it flew by and you wish you could pause time for a bit. I’m feeling that now as the weeks, days, and minutes seem to fly by as my maternity leave is coming to an end. I look back on this past year and I can’t believe where the time has gone. Of course during the beginning of my maternity leave when I was in the thick of it (aka newborn trenches, aka not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night), the days felt like they were dragging on and some days I wished time would go faster to the point where my daughter would sleep better and I could have some time for myself instead of being on nursing duty 24/7. Now I wish time would slow down-way down.
I know it’s hard and a mother’s decisions are never easy.
Our societies expect mothers to work as if they don’t have children and finding
flexible, understanding workplaces is a rarity. I know you’re worried about how
you’ll manage it all and find that “balance.” I know you’re going to be giving
all your energy to your work and you may feel the guilt again when you get home
and you feel drained and wish you had more energy to give your child. I know that this balancing act is hard and
some things have to give for other things to happen.
But guess what? Although the first little while of adjusting
to this new routine will be difficult for you and your family, it will get
better. You’ll always miss your baby and you’ll always spend every free minute looking
at their pictures, but once you get into a good rhythm and find ways to cope and
keep the ship afloat, you’ll realize that initial gut-wrenching pain of being
away from your baby will become less and less. The time you spend together will
be much more special and you’ll find your new normal. You’ll be amazed at all
the interesting things your child is learning and you’ll feel so proud of this
little baby that is growing and developing and having fun.
It’s hard and I know you wonder if you’re doing the right
thing. I’m right there with you. We’ll all come out on the other side. One day
at a time.
There’s so much emphasis on pregnancy, labour, and childbirth but I’ve noticed that the postpartum experience of a mother isn’t given as much attention as it deserves. Regardless of how many times you’ve already experienced it, each postpartum experience can be different and comes with unique struggles and joys. After enduring labour pains, childbirth and then experiencing all the emotional highs of meeting your precious baby, the postpartum period can be quite challenging on so many levels.
I recently took a training course on postpartum recoveries and practices in different cultures and I was astounded to learn how mothers are treated in different parts of the world. In Morocco for example, the mother is held in such high stature and is tended to for at least 40 days by family and friends. There are beautiful traditions that take place in this culture and in many others where the mother is enveloped in support by those around her and all that is required of her is to rest, take care of herself, and her child. According to studies done, the incidences of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders in these cultures is noticeably less.
I find here in North America the postpartum experience is generally quite different. Mothers may be living away from family or they may be living near family but their families are unable to support them as much as is needed. Mothers may end up feeling alone, isolated, burnt out, and ultimately, depressive symptoms start to arise along with heightened anxiety, among other mental health challenges.
The supportive village that is so essential to mothers’ emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing is unfortunately not the norm. Mothers are having to juggle housework, school/daycare drop-offs and pick-ups (for those with multiple children) as well as keeping up with so many other demands. This is all being done while the mother is simultaneously trying to take care of a newborn baby with needs around the clock, as well as trying to heal herself and recover from such a remarkable experience. She may find that hours have gone by without a sip of water or a bite to eat as she’s trying to manage the demands of her new life and trying to adjust and find some semblance of a functional routine.
The postpartum experience can be even more challenging when a mother receives negative comments or unsolicited advice that may leave her feeling less confident, more guilty, and less equipped to care for her baby. We need to encourage and empower mothers to seek help when they need it, and to also trust their intuition. When offering a mother advice, it should be done with kindness, compassion, and letting her know that she should decide what is best for her baby.
Many mothers I’ve spoken to discuss how lonely they feel and that they struggle along their motherhood journeys and these feelings are further perpetuated by society’s expectations to bounce back and manage everything all on their own. This isn’t even mentioning the difficulties some mothers experience with returning to work so soon after the birth of their baby (in some countries, maternity leaves are only 45 days- I’ll be dedicating an entire post to this so stay tuned).
There’s a lot of emphasis on baby’s health and how baby is doing which is of course essential, however do we look as closely to the mother’s health and well-being? Many women are not screened for mental health challenges at their 6-week check-ups and they are sometimes too afraid or embarrassed to open up about how they are feeling to others. What could we be doing better as a society to help support, empower, and encourage mothers during such a pivotal time of their lives?
I recently came out on the other side after potty training my daughter and I pretty much used the exact same method I used to potty train my son a few years ago. I’d like to share some tips on how I went about things to potty train both of my children. Of course it goes without saying that not all strategies will work for all children. Children are very different in their learning styles and speeds so don’t lose heart if you try an approach and it doesn’t work. And a lot of strategies depend on your child’s age and stage of development. So keep in mind dear mama that this is the approach I used for my children but the approach that works for your child may end up being very different.
And just a little note before we get started, this is a big skill for children to learn. Essentially, they’re letting go of something they’ve known their entire lives that has been so easy, safe, and convenient for them. Your child has been going in his/her diaper since the time he/she was born and has never needed to interrupt their playing to go and use the bathroom. So learning to do this and taking ownership for using the toilet/potty is a big task for them. Remembering this helped me during my times of frustration.
The key ingredients regardless of what approach you use are: patience, consistency, time, and compassion. There are many approaches out there, some of them are intense 3-day approaches, some are more flexible, and you may end up using a mix of different approaches (like I did). It depends on your situation and your child.
I was working full-time and was 7.5 months pregnant when we first started potty training my son so I was doing the majority of this training on the weekends and working with his preschool on it during the week. We first tried potty training our son when he was around 2.5 years old, but after many attempts over a two-week period and several accidents both at preschool and at home, and many frustrations and loads of laundry later, we decided to take a break from it and try it again after baby’s arrival. Our son was showing that he wasn’t quite 100% ready yet. We started again full-force about 4 months after our daughter was born. My son had just turned 3 and we gave it another go. It was much easier this second time around and the concept clicked much quicker. Of course he still had accidents here and there but he eventually started telling us whenever he needed to go. I’m glad we decided to take a break until he was more ready, and we were all in a better place to attempt it again.
With my daughter, I saw that she had some readiness signs at the end of the summer so we started then. I quickly realized that perhaps it was too early as we were having a very hard time. I took a break and returned to it a couple months later and the process took about a week for her to be potty trained during the day (I didn’t start nighttime training with her yet and I think I’ll hold off for a while-she sleeps in a pull-up or diaper at this point).
My Tips on How I Potty Trained:
Tip 1: Preparation: These are the items I had on hand to prepare for this undertaking which I recommend you have as well:
Potty
Your child’s favourite treats
Potty-related books
Underwear
Elastic-waist pants/shorts (much easier to pull down)
Carpet stain remover (trust me on this one)
Child’s toilet seat you can put on top of toilet
Travel toilet seat
I bought my children a few books on potties (some are linked below). We read the books several times for a good week or so and we watched the Daniel Tiger’s Neighbourhood episode on potty training a few times as well just to introduce the concept to them before any pressure of actually using the potty. My children also usually came with me to the bathroom so they were exposed to the idea early on (#momlife).
The week before I knew I wanted to start potty training, I talked to my children about it a lot. I told them that we couldn’t pee/poop in the diaper anymore and that the only places we could do it were in the potty or toilet. I talked to them about it every single day for a week. When the day came for us to actually start, they were accustomed to hearing this so many times which I think really helped.
Preparing your child is one thing, but preparing yourself is just as important. Try to pick a time where there aren’t other major things happening in your life as having too much going on can exacerbate the stress and frustration of this whole process. Potty training needs quite a bit of dedication so choose the time you start wisely 😉
Here are some of the items I found very helpful while potty training. I have affiliate links below to the items which means I make a small commission if someone purchases them using these links (I’m so appreciative of your support!)
2: Give your child the potty as if you’re giving them a gift. Have your child open the box with the potty in it as if he/she’s opening a surprise gift and really hype it up. It also helps to get your child underwear based on their favourite character to go along with the potty.
Tip 3: Take your child to the potty at regular, short intervals. Every morning, our routine started by having my children sit on the potty. Some days, in the early stages they would sit for a while and not do anything. I’d have them get up but I kept watching them closely and set the timer for five minutes and then I’d take them back on to try again. My general strategy was to get them to sit on the potty every 30 minutes. They would watch TV and/or read books or play with their toys while sitting on it. I also recommend giving your child extra fluids to increase their urge to go. I’d be standing very close to them and I kept giving them words of encouragement (sometimes I’d give them treats if they went in the potty). The first time my children actually peed/pooped in the potty, I made a big deal and let them choose a treat. I called their grandma and grandpa and told them the great news! Accidents happened during our process. When they happen, it’s important not to make too much of a big deal and to reinforce that we can try again next time.
Tip 4: Pick the approach you’re most comfortable with (diapers/no diapers/pull-ups). I know some parents do the “rip the bandaid” approach where they throw out all the diapers in the house in the garbage in front of their child and tell them “no more diapers, just underwear from now on” to further drive home the concept. I personally didn’t do this but it can certainly be effective. I used pull-ups because I wanted my children to wear them during naps and at bedtime. Some may not agree with this approach but it’s just what worked for us. I would emphasize to my children that these were called pull-ups and that they were not diapers. I would keep my children in underwear most of the time but I did put them in pull-ups some days if we had to go out of the house and as mentioned they wore them while they slept for the first little while until I could see that they were waking up with their pull-ups being dry. Regardless if they were in pull-ups or wearing underwear though, I still took them to the potty or toilet every 30 minutes
Tip 5:Keep reminding your child to tell you when they need to go. Children need a lot of reinforcement, encouragement and patience during this process. They also need to continuously hear “tell me when you need to go potty.” I kept telling my children this all day in order for it to finally click (one book I read said children need to hear this around 100 times a day for it to register and for it to come to mind when they need to go). It took my son a few days to start consistently telling me when he needed to go and by day 3 my daughter was telling me when she had to go (this will be a major breakthrough moment). The reason this is important is that it gives them a sense of responsibility and ownership instead of relying on you to take them every little while.
Tip 6: Keep a potty easily accessible in the place you spend the most time. I recommend keeping a potty in the area where you spend the most time-living room, kitchen, playroom, etc. This way, it’s easier to take your child at frequent intervals to try going instead of running to the bathroom every little while. Also, the potty might not be as intimidating as the toilet when you’re starting off. The toilet can look scary for children because it’s high off the ground and their feet can’t touch the ground when they’re on it so they feel as though they are hanging.
Tip 7: Try to focus on your child and watch him/her for signs that they need to go. Try your best to watch your child when they’re off the potty for signs that they need to go. Some parents generally know when their children need to go and try to get them on the potty. Some approaches recommend that you stay home for the whole duration while potty training. I know this sometimes isn’t feasible and giving your child your full undivided attention may be difficult especially if you have other children and responsibilities to tend to, but just try your best. If you need to go out for a bit, just make sure to time it right after your child has gone on the potty and make it a routine that they have to use the potty before going out.
Tip 8:Toilet Training. Once your child seems to be getting the hang of things, you can try him/her on the toilet. I highly recommend getting a children’s toilet seat that fits on top of the toilet as it’ll make them feel safer. Some even have handles that the child can hold onto while sitting down. You can also get a foldable compact one to take when going out to put on top of public bathroom toilet seats. If you’re out and still in the potty training trenches, it’s a good idea to have your child practice going in an unfamiliar environment. You can go first and show them how it’s not scary and then have them try. The more exposure and practice, the better.
Tip 9:Get support. Potty training can be emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. Discuss with your partner if they can take the evening potty training shift and/or to take it on for part of the weekend so you can get some distance and some rest from it all.
Tip 10: Give your child choices whenever possible. It can really help to give your child choices and a sense of control whenever possible during this process. Ask them “Would you like to use the potty or toilet?” or “Which book/toy would you like to bring with you to the potty?” “Would you like me to read you this book or that book while you sit on the potty?”
Side note regarding bowel movements: Just to let you know, bowel movements may take more time as it can be scarier for children, but they will eventually get it. It’s important not to rush the process or show our children our frustration, as it can backfire. Whenever my children pooped in their pull-up or underwear, I’d take them to the bathroom, empty out the contents of the pull-up/underwear into the toilet and have them flush it. I’d explain to them every time that the toilet or the potty is where poop belongs and eventually, it clicked.
In Summary…
Preparing your child beforehand by reading books/watching shows and talking to them about it is important and can reduce resistance to the whole idea. Try to take them at regular intervals and pay attention to the signs they’re giving when they’re off the potty because that’ll help you prevent accidents.
I hope some of these tips help, and again, don’t come down hard on yourself or your child if this approach doesn’t work or if any other approach you try doesn’t work right away. It may be that your child needs more time until they’re ready as this is a big step! It’s okay to take a break if things aren’t progressing. Self-compassion and compassion for your child throughout this process are going to be incredibly important!
I see you dear mama- you wake up after a not-so-restful night to the sounds of your precious little ones waking up with full energy to start the day. You close your eyes for one second and take a deep breath and pray that you’ll have enough energy to get through the day. You feel the weight of your body on your bed and how comfortable it feels to keep laying down and closing your eyes, but you know that there are people waiting for you and depending on you.
You get up and get everyone changed and fed and answer 153 questions about why chairs have four legs, amongst other things that make you scratch your head. Your husband may be traveling for work, he might work long hours, or maybe he’s unable to keep up with all the work that needs to be done due to health difficulties he’s facing. You’re bearing most of the parenting and day-to-day tasks on your shoulders and it’s hard.
People ask me quite often how I do it. How I take care of two little children who are so young and dependent on me for everything while my husband is away. To be completely honest, it’s hard. You can’t expect your husband to walk through the door at 5:30pm and help out. You have no one to share “this is so crazy” looks and chuckles with. No one to look after one of the children while you tend to the other. No one else to take care of the kids while you go to the bathroom, take a much-needed shower, or step outside for some fresh air. No one else is around to do the dishes, vacuum, or take one kid to the potty while the other needs their diaper changed. No one else to look at that “super cool” lego structure that was built and no one else to comfort the crying baby. No one to share the joy of your baby saying their first word. It’s just you mama. And it’s hard and lonely. Lonely even though you don’t have a minute to yourself.
But I have to say, after doing it for some time, it does get somewhat easier. The loneliness still gets to me but the ability to manage the chaos gets somewhat easier with time. You become stronger, more capable, and know what to expect. You figure things out. You realize that you’re able to do things you never thought you’d be able to. I know there are many other moms in the same boat as me. I know it’s hard, but I’ve realized that there are some things I can do to take care of myself and survive this phase. Here are some of the things that have helped me and may help you as well:
Find a way to have time for yourself. Whether it’s on the weekend, or when your partner comes home from his trip, or if you can hire a babysitter a couple hours during the day/evening just so you can do something to rejuvenate you, please do it. It shouldn’t be seen as a luxury-it really is a necessity. When things are really going out of control around here while I’m alone with the kids, I find some peace in knowing that I have some time to myself to look forward to even if it’s going out with a friend or going out shopping by myself later that week. It really helps to have some time alone and clear your head and not have to be responsible for anyone even if it’s for a short period of time.
Find something to look forward to everyday. This can really help make the days seem a bit less difficult and maybe even enjoyable. For me, it’s enjoying my cup of coffee and reading a book while my daughter naps and my son is watching Paw Patrol. Yes I allow some screen time so I can start my morning off with some peace and quiet. I’ve let go of the momguilt associated with screen time because it only gets used for short intervals of the day and it makes everyone feel better so win-win situation.
Have realistic expectations. This is my final and maybe my most important tip. I realized during the first time I was on my own with the kids that I wasn’t going to be able to keep up with everything that needed to be done. I also realized that working myself into a mental and physical breakdown would not benefit anyone. That is why we sometimes order take-out instead of cooking. It’s also why after putting my kids to bed I sometimes crash right afterwards instead of folding laundry or doing the dishes. It took me a long time to get to this point, but once I did, life became much simpler and I’ve become kinder to myself.
I know that no matter what, there will still be challenging days while you’re navigating this motherhood journey and doing so much on your own. You will figure it out, mama. And when the kids are all in bed and you breathe in the silence and peace of your once-chaos-ridden home, you feel like you can conquer anything. I see you, and I know it’s hard. But you can do it- maybe not everyone can do what you do, but you dear, strong mama, can.
The whole premise behind my page is the importance of mothers being taken care of. Mothers are constantly giving of themselves, their time, and their energy to the point that neglecting her own self-care needs becomes the norm. As a society, we need to look at how to better support mothers as they embark on this incredible journey of raising and caring for another human being, while not forgoing her own needs and health. Many mothers struggle with postpartum mood and anxiety disorders in addition to physical health issues which become exacerbated in the absence of support. Mothers are being loaded with so many responsibilities in this day and age and it can truly become overwhelming to meet all the expectations placed on us. I’m hoping we can continue the conversation of mothers’ health and well-being being just as important as everyone else’s and find ways to support one another as we tread along our individual motherhood journeys. I’m looking forward to sharing my journey with all of you and for us all to realize that despite our unique journeys, we experience much of the same things and that we’re never alone.
