Tag: mother

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To the Mother whose Maternity Leave is Ending Soon

mother kissing baby

I feel you dear mama as the clock is ticking and the time between now and your return to work is getting shorter. When you can’t imagine spending so many hours away from your baby because you’ve been attached at the hip since birth. I feel you and the tremendous guilt that is front and centre in your mind and in your heart. The thought of someone else taking care of your body and meeting his/her needs while you’re away which has been nagging at you and it has taken everything within you not to go back on your decision to return to work.  

I know how hard it is imagining that someone else will be putting your baby down for their nap, and someone else will get to look at their adorable face as they wake up. I know how hard it can be to imagine that someone else will be feeding, changing, and playing with your baby. I know you love your child more than anything and that your decision to go back to work is one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever had to make. I know you’re taking as many pictures as you can so you can look at them when you’re at work, when your heart is longing to see your precious one.  I know your eyes will well up when colleagues ask you how your baby is doing and you’ll choke back tears as you talk about them and how amazing they are. I know that the best part of your day will be the minute you walk in and see their eyes light up at seeing you and you embrace them so tightly and never want to let them go.

I know you try to think of all the perks you may enjoy while at work as a way to comfort yourself when you feel down. Perks such as eating your lunch uninterrupted, having adult interaction, and perhaps drinking your coffee or tea while it’s still warm.  I know you may start to feel mom-guilt for thinking about these perks and how you may enjoy some of the time that you’re away from your child.

I know your maternity leave feels like it flew by and you wish you could pause time for a bit. I’m feeling that now as the weeks, days, and minutes seem to fly by as my maternity leave is coming to an end. I look back on this past year and I can’t believe where the time has gone. Of course during the beginning of my maternity leave when I was in the thick of it (aka newborn trenches, aka not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night), the days felt like they were dragging on and some days I wished time would go faster to the point where my daughter would sleep better and I could have some time for myself instead of being on nursing duty 24/7. Now I wish time would slow down-way down.

I know it’s hard and a mother’s decisions are never easy. Our societies expect mothers to work as if they don’t have children and finding flexible, understanding workplaces is a rarity. I know you’re worried about how you’ll manage it all and find that “balance.” I know you’re going to be giving all your energy to your work and you may feel the guilt again when you get home and you feel drained and wish you had more energy to give your child.  I know that this balancing act is hard and some things have to give for other things to happen.

But guess what? Although the first little while of adjusting to this new routine will be difficult for you and your family, it will get better. You’ll always miss your baby and you’ll always spend every free minute looking at their pictures, but once you get into a good rhythm and find ways to cope and keep the ship afloat, you’ll realize that initial gut-wrenching pain of being away from your baby will become less and less. The time you spend together will be much more special and you’ll find your new normal. You’ll be amazed at all the interesting things your child is learning and you’ll feel so proud of this little baby that is growing and developing and having fun.

It’s hard and I know you wonder if you’re doing the right thing. I’m right there with you. We’ll all come out on the other side. One day at a time.

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One of the Most Important Things I’ve Done Since Becoming a Mother

Managing our expectations and keeping them realistic is essential to our mental health, our self-esteem, and our overall well-being. Managing my expectations of myself, my parenting, and my children has been one of the most important things I’ve done since becoming a mother. This didn’t happen overnight for me- it took a long time to get to a place where I’m okay with things not always going smoothly or if my house isn’t in the best state or if my children don’t always act the way I want them to.

When I first became a mom almost four years ago, I’d be mortified if my son started acting up in public. I’d think that everyone would be judging me for being a bad mother who couldn’t control her child’s behaviour and the negative tape would start playing. Since I’ve started setting realistic expectations for my children’s behaviour, I’m much more relaxed now (although it’s still a work in progress). For example, I went to a stars and strollers show at the movie theatre (it’s a show dedicated for moms who want to bring their babies to a movie and they keep the lights on and lower the volume and have changing tables around etc.) I called up a friend and we took our babies. Before going, I had set my expectations really low and told myself that if my daughter only let me watch 30 mins of a 2-hour movie, I’d be happy! My daughter gave me 30 mins of peace and quiet and happily sat on my lap and ate her snacks. She then became restless (rightfully so- she’s only 13 months!) so she started crawling around everywhere, cried at some points, climbed up and down the stairs, tried to eat stuff off the ground, etc.) We didn’t make it to the end of the movie which I was fine with. I chose to focus on the good aspects of our outing and the time she did let me enjoy rather than focus on the frustrating and exhausting moments. I knew from the outset that it wasn’t going to be a smooth outing yet it wasn’t all bad and it went almost better than I expected.  Having realistic expectations of my daughter really helped.

Having reaIistic expectations of yourself is also so important. I hear a lot of mothers saying they wish they had more time and energy to cook more homemade meals, maintain a clean and organized home, take their children to more playgroups/activities, plan outings with their friends and resume some sort of a social life, carve out time to work out, among a multitude of other things. Yes it’s good to aspire to do better, but the problem becomes when these aspirations dampen our spirits, make us feel that these goals are unattainable and therefore we’re failing somehow, and make us feel that we’re not doing this whole motherhood thing right. None of these things are actually true. When we become mothers, are bodies and minds are consumed with caring for our children and we expect so much more of ourselves when caring for children is a full-time 24-hour/day job in and of itself.

Take a moment and look at your life and all your responsibilities and commitments and marvel at how well you’ve been doing this far. You do laundry once a week? Great. You cook one meal a week? Awesome. You did something for yourself this week? Fabulous. You survived an outing with your children and everyone came back home safely and somewhat happy? Marvelous.

You may see other moms who seem to be juggling more than you but please for your sake, your family’s sake and your sanity’s sake, don’t compare yourself to others. We are all so different in terms of our bodies, our capabilities, our support systems, our family dynamics, etc. No one has it all together, no one.

I know it’s hard to redefine our expectations when we’re used to a particular standard but here are some tips that I have found helpful:

Prioritize. Before going to sleep at night, make a list of the top 5 things that need to be done the next day. Factor in all appointments/meetings and figure out what tasks need to be done before/after. This will help keep you organized and it may reduce your stress from all the other things that you feel you need to do, but don’t have enough time for.

Done list. At the end of the day, make a mental note- or even better write it out – of all the things you did accomplish that day-even the smallest of tasks. This can make us feel so productive and accomplished and it’ll show you that you’re probably doing more than you think you are.

Positive Affirmations. Positive affirmations are this treasure that not very many people know about, yet has substantial benefits on our mindset and our well-being. Imagine if you told yourself throughout the day “I’m doing the best I can,”  “my children love me’ “I am a good mother.”  There are so many affirmations that can really help you change your mindset and help with making more realistic expectations. I like telling myself before an outing with my kids “it may not go smoothly or as well as I’d like, but that’s ok. I’m not a bad mother if my children act out or don’t listen to me. Worst case scenario, we’ll just come back home.” This really helps me instead of expecting that things “should” go smoothly and that everyone will be on their best behaviour and listen to me. The latter expectation will only set me up for more frustration.

You’re doing a great job. You have so much potential to do the things you want and need to do but give yourself some grace if you can’t do it all at once.

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To the mom who’s doing it mostly on her own:

mom holding child on her back

I see you dear mama- you wake up after a not-so-restful night to the sounds of your precious little ones waking up with full energy to start the day. You close your eyes for one second and take a deep breath and pray that you’ll have enough energy to get through the day. You feel the weight of your body on your bed and how comfortable it feels to keep laying down and closing your eyes, but you know that there are people waiting for you and depending on you.

You get up and get everyone changed and fed and answer 153 questions about why chairs have four legs, amongst other things that make you scratch your head. Your husband may be traveling for work, he might work long hours, or maybe he’s unable to keep up with all the work that needs to be done due to health difficulties he’s facing. You’re bearing most of the parenting and day-to-day tasks on your shoulders and it’s hard.

People ask me quite often how I do it. How I take care of two little children who are so young and dependent on me for everything while my husband is away. To be completely honest, it’s hard. You can’t expect your husband to walk through the door at 5:30pm and help out. You have no one to share “this is so crazy” looks and chuckles with. No one to look after one of the children while you tend to the other. No one else to take care of the kids while you go to the bathroom, take a much-needed shower, or step outside for some fresh air. No one else is around to do the dishes, vacuum, or take one kid to the potty while the other needs their diaper changed. No one else to look at that “super cool” lego structure that was built and no one else to comfort the crying baby. No one to share the joy of your baby saying their first word.  It’s just you mama. And it’s hard and lonely. Lonely even though you don’t have a minute to yourself.

But I have to say, after doing it for some time, it does get somewhat easier. The loneliness still gets to me but the ability to manage the chaos gets somewhat easier with time. You become stronger, more capable, and know what to expect. You figure things out. You realize that you’re able to do things you never thought you’d be able to. I know there are many other moms in the same boat as me. I know it’s hard, but I’ve realized that there are some things I can do to take care of myself and survive this phase. Here are some of the things that have helped me and may help you as well:

Find a way to have time for yourself. Whether it’s on the weekend, or when your partner comes home from his trip, or if you can hire a babysitter a couple hours during the day/evening just so you can do something to rejuvenate you, please do it. It shouldn’t be seen as a luxury-it really is a necessity.  When things are really going out of control around here while I’m alone with the kids, I find some peace in knowing that I have some time to myself to look forward to even if it’s going out with a friend or going out shopping by myself later that week. It really helps to have some time alone and clear your head and not have to be responsible for anyone even if it’s for a short period of time.

Find something to look forward to everyday. This can really help make the days seem a bit less difficult and maybe even enjoyable. For me, it’s enjoying my cup of coffee and reading a book while my daughter naps and my son is watching Paw Patrol. Yes I allow some screen time so I can start my morning off with some peace and quiet. I’ve let go of the momguilt associated with screen time because it only gets used for short intervals of the day and it makes everyone feel better so win-win situation.

Have realistic expectations. This is my final and maybe my most important tip. I realized during the first time I was on my own with the kids that I wasn’t going to be able to keep up with everything that needed to be done. I also realized that working myself into a mental and physical breakdown would not benefit anyone. That is why we sometimes order take-out instead of cooking. It’s also why after putting my kids to bed I sometimes crash right afterwards instead of folding laundry or doing the dishes. It took me a long time to get to this point, but once I did, life became much simpler and I’ve become kinder to myself.

I know that no matter what, there will still be challenging days while you’re navigating this motherhood journey and doing so much on your own.  You will figure it out, mama. And when the kids are all in bed and you breathe in the silence and peace of your once-chaos-ridden home, you feel like you can conquer anything. I see you, and I know it’s hard. But you can do it- maybe not everyone can do what you do, but you dear, strong mama, can.