I feel you dear mama as the clock is ticking and the time between now and your return to work is getting shorter. When you can’t imagine spending so many hours away from your baby because you’ve been attached at the hip since birth. I feel you and the tremendous guilt that is front and centre in your mind and in your heart. The thought of someone else taking care of your body and meeting his/her needs while you’re away which has been nagging at you and it has taken everything within you not to go back on your decision to return to work.
I know how hard it is imagining that someone else will be putting your baby down for their nap, and someone else will get to look at their adorable face as they wake up. I know how hard it can be to imagine that someone else will be feeding, changing, and playing with your baby. I know you love your child more than anything and that your decision to go back to work is one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever had to make. I know you’re taking as many pictures as you can so you can look at them when you’re at work, when your heart is longing to see your precious one. I know your eyes will well up when colleagues ask you how your baby is doing and you’ll choke back tears as you talk about them and how amazing they are. I know that the best part of your day will be the minute you walk in and see their eyes light up at seeing you and you embrace them so tightly and never want to let them go.
I know you try to think of all the perks you may enjoy while at work as a way to comfort yourself when you feel down. Perks such as eating your lunch uninterrupted, having adult interaction, and perhaps drinking your coffee or tea while it’s still warm. I know you may start to feel mom-guilt for thinking about these perks and how you may enjoy some of the time that you’re away from your child.
I know your maternity leave feels like it flew by and you wish you could pause time for a bit. I’m feeling that now as the weeks, days, and minutes seem to fly by as my maternity leave is coming to an end. I look back on this past year and I can’t believe where the time has gone. Of course during the beginning of my maternity leave when I was in the thick of it (aka newborn trenches, aka not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night), the days felt like they were dragging on and some days I wished time would go faster to the point where my daughter would sleep better and I could have some time for myself instead of being on nursing duty 24/7. Now I wish time would slow down-way down.
I know it’s hard and a mother’s decisions are never easy. Our societies expect mothers to work as if they don’t have children and finding flexible, understanding workplaces is a rarity. I know you’re worried about how you’ll manage it all and find that “balance.” I know you’re going to be giving all your energy to your work and you may feel the guilt again when you get home and you feel drained and wish you had more energy to give your child. I know that this balancing act is hard and some things have to give for other things to happen.
But guess what? Although the first little while of adjusting to this new routine will be difficult for you and your family, it will get better. You’ll always miss your baby and you’ll always spend every free minute looking at their pictures, but once you get into a good rhythm and find ways to cope and keep the ship afloat, you’ll realize that initial gut-wrenching pain of being away from your baby will become less and less. The time you spend together will be much more special and you’ll find your new normal. You’ll be amazed at all the interesting things your child is learning and you’ll feel so proud of this little baby that is growing and developing and having fun.
It’s hard and I know you wonder if you’re doing the right thing. I’m right there with you. We’ll all come out on the other side. One day at a time.