I’m sure we can all agree how beneficial and great breastfeeding is but do we also talk about how common it is to experience breastfeeding difficulties? I did a poll on my Instagram stories recently and 75% of moms indicated that they found breastfeeding difficult at some point.
Breastfeeding is amazing and miraculous and when you really think about it, it’s absolutely wonderful. However, I think a lot of us moms are shocked when we first attempt breastfeeding our babies and find it’s not as easy or straight-forward as we thought it would be. I mean, how could it be so hard? You just put baby on your breast and away he/she goes with the feeding- surely our mothers and their mothers did it so it must be easy because no one ever talked about it being hard. Then we try it and we realize it’s not what we expected it to be like. We think we’re doing it all wrong because we’ve never heard another mom talk about how much it hurts when the baby latches on or that it took a month for their baby to learn how to latch and feed properly or that they had gut-wrenching pain with every feeding. We never heard of cracked nipples and soreness and the exhaustion from trying and trying to feed and get the perfect latch and positioning and still our babies come off hungry and fussy and we feel all our hard work has gone down the drain. We never heard about mastitis and plugged ducts or tongue ties/lip ties.
You may start thinking that you’re the only one struggling and that you’re messing up this whole motherhood thing. But you’re not. You’re not alone and you’re not messing it up. It really is that hard.
I’ve been wanting to write this post for some time now because I’ve heard from so many mothers about how challenging their breastfeeding journey was. I want to normalize how difficult it can be so that when a new mom tries to breastfeed and realizes how hard it is, she doesn’t come down hard on herself or think that she’s the only one. If you’re having breastfeeding troubles, know that so many mothers are experiencing or have experienced the exact same thing. There is lots of help out there if you need it- lactation consultants really helped me along my breastfeeding journey so don’t be afraid to reach out.
I had a lactation consultant help me out in the hospital before being discharged and then I had a nurse come out to my house two days after being home with my son and she really helped me with positioning and latching. I thought I was prepared since I had taken a prenatal breastfeeding workshop and I had read all sorts of books before having my first baby but when it came down to the real deal, I was lost and confused. I spent hours on the couch feeding my son for the first couple months and I remember feeling so disheartened every time I read online that nursing sessions shouldn’t take more than 45 minutes on average and that newborns typically eat every 3 hours- both of which were far-fetched realities for me.
Most of the mothers I personally know have also experienced some difficulty of some sort with breastfeeding. You are not any less of a good mother if breastfeeding didn’t work out for you. I hear from many mothers that breastfeeding is a huge source of guilt because it didn’t work out the way they had hoped. Your feelings are 100% valid but the good news is that there are so many opportunities for you to bond with your baby and give him/her a great start in life.
So if you’re currently struggling with breastfeeding or you have struggled in the past, please know this: you’re not failing- breastfeeding really can be that hard.
I recently came out on the other side after potty training my daughter and I pretty much used the exact same method I used to potty train my son a few years ago. I’d like to share some tips on how I went about things to potty train both of my children. Of course it goes without saying that not all strategies will work for all children. Children are very different in their learning styles and speeds so don’t lose heart if you try an approach and it doesn’t work. And a lot of strategies depend on your child’s age and stage of development. So keep in mind dear mama that this is the approach I used for my children but the approach that works for your child may end up being very different.
And just a little note before we get started, this is a big skill for children to learn. Essentially, they’re letting go of something they’ve known their entire lives that has been so easy, safe, and convenient for them. Your child has been going in his/her diaper since the time he/she was born and has never needed to interrupt their playing to go and use the bathroom. So learning to do this and taking ownership for using the toilet/potty is a big task for them. Remembering this helped me during my times of frustration.
The key ingredients regardless of what approach you use are: patience, consistency, time, and compassion. There are many approaches out there, some of them are intense 3-day approaches, some are more flexible, and you may end up using a mix of different approaches (like I did). It depends on your situation and your child.
I was working full-time and was 7.5 months pregnant when we first started potty training my son so I was doing the majority of this training on the weekends and working with his preschool on it during the week. We first tried potty training our son when he was around 2.5 years old, but after many attempts over a two-week period and several accidents both at preschool and at home, and many frustrations and loads of laundry later, we decided to take a break from it and try it again after baby’s arrival. Our son was showing that he wasn’t quite 100% ready yet. We started again full-force about 4 months after our daughter was born. My son had just turned 3 and we gave it another go. It was much easier this second time around and the concept clicked much quicker. Of course he still had accidents here and there but he eventually started telling us whenever he needed to go. I’m glad we decided to take a break until he was more ready, and we were all in a better place to attempt it again.
With my daughter, I saw that she had some readiness signs at the end of the summer so we started then. I quickly realized that perhaps it was too early as we were having a very hard time. I took a break and returned to it a couple months later and the process took about a week for her to be potty trained during the day (I didn’t start nighttime training with her yet and I think I’ll hold off for a while-she sleeps in a pull-up or diaper at this point).
My Tips on How I Potty Trained:
Tip 1: Preparation: These are the items I had on hand to prepare for this undertaking which I recommend you have as well:
Potty
Your child’s favourite treats
Potty-related books
Underwear
Elastic-waist pants/shorts (much easier to pull down)
Carpet stain remover (trust me on this one)
Child’s toilet seat you can put on top of toilet
Travel toilet seat
I bought my children a few books on potties (some are linked below). We read the books several times for a good week or so and we watched the Daniel Tiger’s Neighbourhood episode on potty training a few times as well just to introduce the concept to them before any pressure of actually using the potty. My children also usually came with me to the bathroom so they were exposed to the idea early on (#momlife).
The week before I knew I wanted to start potty training, I talked to my children about it a lot. I told them that we couldn’t pee/poop in the diaper anymore and that the only places we could do it were in the potty or toilet. I talked to them about it every single day for a week. When the day came for us to actually start, they were accustomed to hearing this so many times which I think really helped.
Preparing your child is one thing, but preparing yourself is just as important. Try to pick a time where there aren’t other major things happening in your life as having too much going on can exacerbate the stress and frustration of this whole process. Potty training needs quite a bit of dedication so choose the time you start wisely 😉
Here are some of the items I found very helpful while potty training. I have affiliate links below to the items which means I make a small commission if someone purchases them using these links (I’m so appreciative of your support!)
2: Give your child the potty as if you’re giving them a gift. Have your child open the box with the potty in it as if he/she’s opening a surprise gift and really hype it up. It also helps to get your child underwear based on their favourite character to go along with the potty.
Tip 3: Take your child to the potty at regular, short intervals. Every morning, our routine started by having my children sit on the potty. Some days, in the early stages they would sit for a while and not do anything. I’d have them get up but I kept watching them closely and set the timer for five minutes and then I’d take them back on to try again. My general strategy was to get them to sit on the potty every 30 minutes. They would watch TV and/or read books or play with their toys while sitting on it. I also recommend giving your child extra fluids to increase their urge to go. I’d be standing very close to them and I kept giving them words of encouragement (sometimes I’d give them treats if they went in the potty). The first time my children actually peed/pooped in the potty, I made a big deal and let them choose a treat. I called their grandma and grandpa and told them the great news! Accidents happened during our process. When they happen, it’s important not to make too much of a big deal and to reinforce that we can try again next time.
Tip 4: Pick the approach you’re most comfortable with (diapers/no diapers/pull-ups). I know some parents do the “rip the bandaid” approach where they throw out all the diapers in the house in the garbage in front of their child and tell them “no more diapers, just underwear from now on” to further drive home the concept. I personally didn’t do this but it can certainly be effective. I used pull-ups because I wanted my children to wear them during naps and at bedtime. Some may not agree with this approach but it’s just what worked for us. I would emphasize to my children that these were called pull-ups and that they were not diapers. I would keep my children in underwear most of the time but I did put them in pull-ups some days if we had to go out of the house and as mentioned they wore them while they slept for the first little while until I could see that they were waking up with their pull-ups being dry. Regardless if they were in pull-ups or wearing underwear though, I still took them to the potty or toilet every 30 minutes
Tip 5:Keep reminding your child to tell you when they need to go. Children need a lot of reinforcement, encouragement and patience during this process. They also need to continuously hear “tell me when you need to go potty.” I kept telling my children this all day in order for it to finally click (one book I read said children need to hear this around 100 times a day for it to register and for it to come to mind when they need to go). It took my son a few days to start consistently telling me when he needed to go and by day 3 my daughter was telling me when she had to go (this will be a major breakthrough moment). The reason this is important is that it gives them a sense of responsibility and ownership instead of relying on you to take them every little while.
Tip 6: Keep a potty easily accessible in the place you spend the most time. I recommend keeping a potty in the area where you spend the most time-living room, kitchen, playroom, etc. This way, it’s easier to take your child at frequent intervals to try going instead of running to the bathroom every little while. Also, the potty might not be as intimidating as the toilet when you’re starting off. The toilet can look scary for children because it’s high off the ground and their feet can’t touch the ground when they’re on it so they feel as though they are hanging.
Tip 7: Try to focus on your child and watch him/her for signs that they need to go. Try your best to watch your child when they’re off the potty for signs that they need to go. Some parents generally know when their children need to go and try to get them on the potty. Some approaches recommend that you stay home for the whole duration while potty training. I know this sometimes isn’t feasible and giving your child your full undivided attention may be difficult especially if you have other children and responsibilities to tend to, but just try your best. If you need to go out for a bit, just make sure to time it right after your child has gone on the potty and make it a routine that they have to use the potty before going out.
Tip 8:Toilet Training. Once your child seems to be getting the hang of things, you can try him/her on the toilet. I highly recommend getting a children’s toilet seat that fits on top of the toilet as it’ll make them feel safer. Some even have handles that the child can hold onto while sitting down. You can also get a foldable compact one to take when going out to put on top of public bathroom toilet seats. If you’re out and still in the potty training trenches, it’s a good idea to have your child practice going in an unfamiliar environment. You can go first and show them how it’s not scary and then have them try. The more exposure and practice, the better.
Tip 9:Get support. Potty training can be emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. Discuss with your partner if they can take the evening potty training shift and/or to take it on for part of the weekend so you can get some distance and some rest from it all.
Tip 10: Give your child choices whenever possible. It can really help to give your child choices and a sense of control whenever possible during this process. Ask them “Would you like to use the potty or toilet?” or “Which book/toy would you like to bring with you to the potty?” “Would you like me to read you this book or that book while you sit on the potty?”
Side note regarding bowel movements: Just to let you know, bowel movements may take more time as it can be scarier for children, but they will eventually get it. It’s important not to rush the process or show our children our frustration, as it can backfire. Whenever my children pooped in their pull-up or underwear, I’d take them to the bathroom, empty out the contents of the pull-up/underwear into the toilet and have them flush it. I’d explain to them every time that the toilet or the potty is where poop belongs and eventually, it clicked.
In Summary…
Preparing your child beforehand by reading books/watching shows and talking to them about it is important and can reduce resistance to the whole idea. Try to take them at regular intervals and pay attention to the signs they’re giving when they’re off the potty because that’ll help you prevent accidents.
I hope some of these tips help, and again, don’t come down hard on yourself or your child if this approach doesn’t work or if any other approach you try doesn’t work right away. It may be that your child needs more time until they’re ready as this is a big step! It’s okay to take a break if things aren’t progressing. Self-compassion and compassion for your child throughout this process are going to be incredibly important!
