Category: Motherhood

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One of the Most Important Things I’ve Done Since Becoming a Mother

Managing our expectations and keeping them realistic is essential to our mental health, our self-esteem, and our overall well-being. Managing my expectations of myself, my parenting, and my children has been one of the most important things I’ve done since becoming a mother. This didn’t happen overnight for me- it took a long time to get to a place where I’m okay with things not always going smoothly or if my house isn’t in the best state or if my children don’t always act the way I want them to.

When I first became a mom almost four years ago, I’d be mortified if my son started acting up in public. I’d think that everyone would be judging me for being a bad mother who couldn’t control her child’s behaviour and the negative tape would start playing. Since I’ve started setting realistic expectations for my children’s behaviour, I’m much more relaxed now (although it’s still a work in progress). For example, I went to a stars and strollers show at the movie theatre (it’s a show dedicated for moms who want to bring their babies to a movie and they keep the lights on and lower the volume and have changing tables around etc.) I called up a friend and we took our babies. Before going, I had set my expectations really low and told myself that if my daughter only let me watch 30 mins of a 2-hour movie, I’d be happy! My daughter gave me 30 mins of peace and quiet and happily sat on my lap and ate her snacks. She then became restless (rightfully so- she’s only 13 months!) so she started crawling around everywhere, cried at some points, climbed up and down the stairs, tried to eat stuff off the ground, etc.) We didn’t make it to the end of the movie which I was fine with. I chose to focus on the good aspects of our outing and the time she did let me enjoy rather than focus on the frustrating and exhausting moments. I knew from the outset that it wasn’t going to be a smooth outing yet it wasn’t all bad and it went almost better than I expected.  Having realistic expectations of my daughter really helped.

Having reaIistic expectations of yourself is also so important. I hear a lot of mothers saying they wish they had more time and energy to cook more homemade meals, maintain a clean and organized home, take their children to more playgroups/activities, plan outings with their friends and resume some sort of a social life, carve out time to work out, among a multitude of other things. Yes it’s good to aspire to do better, but the problem becomes when these aspirations dampen our spirits, make us feel that these goals are unattainable and therefore we’re failing somehow, and make us feel that we’re not doing this whole motherhood thing right. None of these things are actually true. When we become mothers, are bodies and minds are consumed with caring for our children and we expect so much more of ourselves when caring for children is a full-time 24-hour/day job in and of itself.

Take a moment and look at your life and all your responsibilities and commitments and marvel at how well you’ve been doing this far. You do laundry once a week? Great. You cook one meal a week? Awesome. You did something for yourself this week? Fabulous. You survived an outing with your children and everyone came back home safely and somewhat happy? Marvelous.

You may see other moms who seem to be juggling more than you but please for your sake, your family’s sake and your sanity’s sake, don’t compare yourself to others. We are all so different in terms of our bodies, our capabilities, our support systems, our family dynamics, etc. No one has it all together, no one.

I know it’s hard to redefine our expectations when we’re used to a particular standard but here are some tips that I have found helpful:

Prioritize. Before going to sleep at night, make a list of the top 5 things that need to be done the next day. Factor in all appointments/meetings and figure out what tasks need to be done before/after. This will help keep you organized and it may reduce your stress from all the other things that you feel you need to do, but don’t have enough time for.

Done list. At the end of the day, make a mental note- or even better write it out – of all the things you did accomplish that day-even the smallest of tasks. This can make us feel so productive and accomplished and it’ll show you that you’re probably doing more than you think you are.

Positive Affirmations. Positive affirmations are this treasure that not very many people know about, yet has substantial benefits on our mindset and our well-being. Imagine if you told yourself throughout the day “I’m doing the best I can,”  “my children love me’ “I am a good mother.”  There are so many affirmations that can really help you change your mindset and help with making more realistic expectations. I like telling myself before an outing with my kids “it may not go smoothly or as well as I’d like, but that’s ok. I’m not a bad mother if my children act out or don’t listen to me. Worst case scenario, we’ll just come back home.” This really helps me instead of expecting that things “should” go smoothly and that everyone will be on their best behaviour and listen to me. The latter expectation will only set me up for more frustration.

You’re doing a great job. You have so much potential to do the things you want and need to do but give yourself some grace if you can’t do it all at once.

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Let’s Talk About the Postpartum Experience

baby laying on bed

There’s so much emphasis on pregnancy, labour, and childbirth but I’ve noticed that the postpartum experience of a mother isn’t given as much attention as it deserves. Regardless of how many times you’ve already experienced it, each postpartum experience can be different and comes with unique struggles and joys. After enduring labour pains, childbirth and then experiencing all the emotional highs of meeting your precious baby, the postpartum period can be quite challenging on so many levels.

I recently took a training course on postpartum recoveries and practices in different cultures and I was astounded to learn how mothers are treated in different parts of the world. In Morocco for example, the mother is held in such high stature and is tended to for at least 40 days by family and friends. There are beautiful traditions that take place in this culture and in many others where the mother is enveloped in support by those around her and all that is required of her is to rest, take care of herself, and her child. According to studies done, the incidences of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders in these cultures is noticeably less. 

I find here in North America the postpartum experience is generally quite different. Mothers may be living away from family or they may be living near family but their families are unable to support them as much as is needed. Mothers may end up feeling alone, isolated, burnt out, and ultimately, depressive symptoms start to arise along with heightened anxiety, among other mental health challenges.

The supportive village that is so essential to mothers’ emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing is unfortunately not the norm.   Mothers are having to juggle housework, school/daycare drop-offs and pick-ups (for those with multiple children) as well as keeping up with so many other demands. This is all being done while the mother is simultaneously trying to take care of a newborn baby with needs around the clock, as well as trying to heal herself and recover from such a remarkable experience.  She may find that hours have gone by without a sip of water or a bite to eat as she’s trying to manage the demands of her new life and trying to adjust and find some semblance of a functional routine.  

The postpartum experience can be even more challenging when a mother receives negative comments or unsolicited advice that may leave her feeling less confident, more guilty, and less equipped to care for her baby. We need to encourage and empower mothers to seek help when they need it, and to also trust their intuition. When offering a mother advice, it should be done with kindness, compassion, and letting her know that she should decide what is best for her baby.

Many mothers I’ve spoken to discuss how lonely they feel and that they struggle along their motherhood journeys and these feelings are further perpetuated by society’s expectations to bounce back and manage everything all on their own. This isn’t even mentioning the difficulties some mothers experience with returning to work so soon after the birth of their baby (in some countries, maternity leaves are only 45 days- I’ll be dedicating an entire post to this so stay tuned).

There’s a lot of emphasis on baby’s health and how baby is doing which is of course essential, however do we look as closely to the mother’s health and well-being? Many women are not screened for mental health challenges at their 6-week check-ups and they are sometimes too afraid or embarrassed to open up about how they are feeling to others. What could we be doing better as a society to help support, empower, and encourage mothers during such a pivotal time of their lives?

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Let’s Talk Openly About Breastfeeding

Mother holding a baby

I’m sure we can all agree how beneficial and great breastfeeding is but do we also talk about how common it is to experience breastfeeding difficulties? I did a poll on my Instagram stories recently and 75% of moms indicated that they found breastfeeding difficult at some point.

Breastfeeding is amazing and miraculous and when you really think about it, it’s absolutely wonderful. However, I think a lot of us moms are shocked when we first attempt breastfeeding our babies and find it’s not as easy or straight-forward as we thought it would be. I mean, how could it be so hard? You just put baby on your breast and away he/she goes with the feeding- surely our mothers and their mothers did it so it must be easy because no one ever talked about it being hard. Then we try it and we realize it’s not what we expected it to be like. We think we’re doing it all wrong because we’ve never heard another mom talk about how much it hurts when the baby latches on or that it took a month for their baby to learn how to latch and feed properly or that they had gut-wrenching pain with every feeding. We never heard of cracked nipples and soreness and the exhaustion from trying and trying to feed and get the perfect latch and positioning and still our babies come off hungry and fussy and we feel all our hard work has gone down the drain.  We never heard about mastitis and plugged ducts or tongue ties/lip ties.

You may start thinking that you’re the only one struggling and that you’re messing up this whole motherhood thing. But you’re not. You’re not alone and you’re not messing it up. It really is that hard.

I’ve been wanting to write this post for some time now because I’ve heard from so many mothers about how challenging their breastfeeding journey was. I want to normalize how difficult it can be so that when a new mom tries to breastfeed and realizes how hard it is, she doesn’t come down hard on herself or think that she’s the only one. If you’re having breastfeeding troubles, know that so many mothers are experiencing or have experienced the exact same thing. There is lots of help out there if you need it- lactation consultants really helped me along my breastfeeding journey so don’t be afraid to reach out.

  I had a lactation consultant help me out in the hospital before being discharged and then I had a nurse come out to my house two days after being home with my son and she really helped me with positioning and latching.  I thought I was prepared since I had taken a prenatal breastfeeding workshop and I had read all sorts of books before having my first baby but when it came down to the real deal, I was lost and confused. I spent hours on the couch feeding my son for the first couple months and I remember feeling so disheartened every time I read online that nursing sessions shouldn’t take more than 45 minutes on average and that newborns typically eat every 3 hours- both of which were far-fetched realities for me.

Most of the mothers I personally know have also experienced some difficulty of some sort with breastfeeding. You are not any less of a good mother if breastfeeding didn’t work out for you. I hear from many mothers that breastfeeding is a huge source of guilt because it didn’t work out the way they had hoped. Your feelings are 100% valid but the good news is that there are so many opportunities for you to bond with your baby and give him/her a great start in life.

So if you’re currently struggling with breastfeeding or you have struggled in the past, please know this: you’re not failing- breastfeeding really can be that hard.

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To the Mother of a Newborn Baby

The newborn phase- a time of learning how to take care of a baby that is fully dependent on you while also trying to recover from one of the most challenging/remarkable experiences of your life. 

It can be a time of trying new things, learning, unlearning and doing it all over again day after day. 

I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to feel overwhelmed and to find this phase extremely challenging. It’s ok to not enjoy every single minute as we’re sometimes advised to do by well-meaning individuals. It’s ok for us to just focus on surviving this phase and not having to worry about fitting back into our pre-pregnancy clothes or on keeping our house in immaculate condition.

I recently came out of the newborn trenches aka newborn survival mode and I feel you dear mama. To the mom trying to feed a fussy baby for hours. To the mom who has to miss out on so many things (including sleep) because your baby needs you 24/7. To the mom sitting in her car or at home alone, or a mall change room, trying to feed her baby or put them to sleep with no luck. To the mom who just wants a three-hour stretch of sleep but even that seems too far off. To the mom who finds herself worrying about everything although she never thought she’d be that type of mother. To the mother who stays up at night (even when the baby’s asleep) thinking about whether she’s doing this motherhood thing right. When you feel overwhelming love for your child but you also feel stuck in this new whirlwind that you thought you were prepared for, but weren’t.

When you wonder how and when will it ever get easier? When you wonder to yourself where is this supportive village for mothers that everyone talks about? When you feel that everyone else’s world keeps going but yours has stood still.

To every mother- it seems like this is it and that it’ll never change. But it will. You may think how do all the other moms make it look so easy and why am I the only one who can’t figure this out? But no mother has it easy – not a single  one of us, because this motherhood thing is hard. 

One day at a time.

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To the mom who’s doing it mostly on her own:

mom holding child on her back

I see you dear mama- you wake up after a not-so-restful night to the sounds of your precious little ones waking up with full energy to start the day. You close your eyes for one second and take a deep breath and pray that you’ll have enough energy to get through the day. You feel the weight of your body on your bed and how comfortable it feels to keep laying down and closing your eyes, but you know that there are people waiting for you and depending on you.

You get up and get everyone changed and fed and answer 153 questions about why chairs have four legs, amongst other things that make you scratch your head. Your husband may be traveling for work, he might work long hours, or maybe he’s unable to keep up with all the work that needs to be done due to health difficulties he’s facing. You’re bearing most of the parenting and day-to-day tasks on your shoulders and it’s hard.

People ask me quite often how I do it. How I take care of two little children who are so young and dependent on me for everything while my husband is away. To be completely honest, it’s hard. You can’t expect your husband to walk through the door at 5:30pm and help out. You have no one to share “this is so crazy” looks and chuckles with. No one to look after one of the children while you tend to the other. No one else to take care of the kids while you go to the bathroom, take a much-needed shower, or step outside for some fresh air. No one else is around to do the dishes, vacuum, or take one kid to the potty while the other needs their diaper changed. No one else to look at that “super cool” lego structure that was built and no one else to comfort the crying baby. No one to share the joy of your baby saying their first word.  It’s just you mama. And it’s hard and lonely. Lonely even though you don’t have a minute to yourself.

But I have to say, after doing it for some time, it does get somewhat easier. The loneliness still gets to me but the ability to manage the chaos gets somewhat easier with time. You become stronger, more capable, and know what to expect. You figure things out. You realize that you’re able to do things you never thought you’d be able to. I know there are many other moms in the same boat as me. I know it’s hard, but I’ve realized that there are some things I can do to take care of myself and survive this phase. Here are some of the things that have helped me and may help you as well:

Find a way to have time for yourself. Whether it’s on the weekend, or when your partner comes home from his trip, or if you can hire a babysitter a couple hours during the day/evening just so you can do something to rejuvenate you, please do it. It shouldn’t be seen as a luxury-it really is a necessity.  When things are really going out of control around here while I’m alone with the kids, I find some peace in knowing that I have some time to myself to look forward to even if it’s going out with a friend or going out shopping by myself later that week. It really helps to have some time alone and clear your head and not have to be responsible for anyone even if it’s for a short period of time.

Find something to look forward to everyday. This can really help make the days seem a bit less difficult and maybe even enjoyable. For me, it’s enjoying my cup of coffee and reading a book while my daughter naps and my son is watching Paw Patrol. Yes I allow some screen time so I can start my morning off with some peace and quiet. I’ve let go of the momguilt associated with screen time because it only gets used for short intervals of the day and it makes everyone feel better so win-win situation.

Have realistic expectations. This is my final and maybe my most important tip. I realized during the first time I was on my own with the kids that I wasn’t going to be able to keep up with everything that needed to be done. I also realized that working myself into a mental and physical breakdown would not benefit anyone. That is why we sometimes order take-out instead of cooking. It’s also why after putting my kids to bed I sometimes crash right afterwards instead of folding laundry or doing the dishes. It took me a long time to get to this point, but once I did, life became much simpler and I’ve become kinder to myself.

I know that no matter what, there will still be challenging days while you’re navigating this motherhood journey and doing so much on your own.  You will figure it out, mama. And when the kids are all in bed and you breathe in the silence and peace of your once-chaos-ridden home, you feel like you can conquer anything. I see you, and I know it’s hard. But you can do it- maybe not everyone can do what you do, but you dear, strong mama, can.

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Why Taking Care of Mothers is so Important

The whole premise behind my page is the importance of mothers being taken care of. Mothers are constantly giving of themselves, their time, and their energy to the point that neglecting her own self-care needs becomes the norm. As a society, we need to look at how to better support mothers as they embark on this incredible journey of raising and caring for another human being, while not forgoing her own needs and health. Many mothers struggle with postpartum mood and anxiety disorders in addition to physical health issues which become exacerbated in the absence of support. Mothers are being loaded with so many responsibilities in this day and age and it can truly become overwhelming to meet all the expectations placed on us. I’m hoping we can continue the conversation of mothers’ health and well-being being just as important as everyone else’s and find ways to support one another as we tread along our individual motherhood journeys. I’m looking forward to sharing my journey with all of you and for us all to realize that despite our unique journeys, we experience much of the same things and that we’re never alone.