I know there are phases in our lives where we are in survival
mode. Our main priority is to get through that minute, hour, day, and week
while tending to our most basic needs and the needs of those around us. The
problem however arises when we feel that that’s all we’ve been doing over a
long period of time- barely getting through each day.
If you’re finding yourself to be constantly running around
whether it’s juggling home life, or home life plus working or running your own
business or taking care of other family members, along with social commitments
and the like, and you feel depleted, sleep-deprived, stressed, and overwhelmed,
then perhaps it’s a good time to take a step back. Take a big step… way back.
Then go back some more.
How long have you been in this mode, mama? This isn’t meant to
shame you or make you feel guilty about your lifestyle- this post is simply
intended to bring to your awareness that survival mode isn’t a healthy or
pleasant way to live long-term. It’s to remind you that thriving from this
incredible journey of motherhood is possible. It can help you grow into the person
you want to be. It can help you find your passion. And it can help you
prioritize and see the things that matter most in your life.
If you’re finding that you’ve been in survival mode for way too
long, think about what it is that can facilitate a change. Do you need more
help from those around you? Do you need to drop a commitment or activity? Do
you need to put some boundaries and limit interactions with some people who
further deplete you? Do you need to look at your expectations of yourself and whether
they’re realistic now or not? Do you remember the last time you did something
purely for the sake of taking care of yourself?
This isn’t to say that you need to be constantly growing and thriving and can’t have those periods in your life where things are understandably difficult and you just need to focus on getting through. This post is looking at the big picture and trying to figure out what areas of your life may need to be revamped in order to help you thrive in the ways you would like to.
We can thrive along this messy, complicated, beautiful,
difficult, miraculous journey. We just have to re-evaluate our priorities from
time to time and figure out what it is we need to get us there.
And remember
dear mama that your needs don’t always need to be on the back-burner. Your
dreams don’t need to be forgotten. Yes, there may be phases where some things
need to be on hold, but don’t forget yourself, mama. Taking care of yourself doesn’t
mean “me first,” it means “me too.” You are important and worthy and valuable
and needed and loved.
Our motherhood journeys are filled with transitions. Some of them are good, and others are more difficult. We go through the transition from being pregnant to recovering and experiencing all the joys and challenges of the postpartum phase. The transition from sleeping well to not sleeping well. The transition from having some time to ourselves to being responsible for another human being 24/7. We go through transitions with our babies who develop and grow so quickly from tiny babies to little crawlers to toddlers. We transition from only feeding them breastmilk/formula to solids and from swaddles to sleep sacks. We transition them from bassinets or from sleeping next to us to their own cribs/beds. We may go through the transition of being at home with our kids to going back to work or the opposite may happen. Transitions can be difficult to cope with and some transition periods may take longer than others. The important thing to remember is to give yourself some grace and kindness through it all. Change can be difficult, even when it’s a good change.
Tips to Help Cope During Transitions:
Be kind to yourself. Being kind to ourselves and to those around us is key during
these transitions. Knowing that it may not always be a smooth ride and that our
expectations play a big role in how our experience goes, is so important.
Find a supportive community.
During the difficult transitions in my
life, I found it immensely helpful to seek out others going through the same
thing and talking about it with them. Having a supportive community is so
helpful and it can really uplift us when we feel things weighing down heavily
upon us. Whether it’s friends or family or even finding a supportive network of
other moms online, having support of any kind is beneficial. When I returned to
work after my maternity leave, I had a friend of mine add me to a messaging
group of other working moms and we all talked about our daily struggles and
joys and we shared tips which was such a wonderful and timely support for me.
Give yourself time and
permission to feel what you’re feeling. When we’re going through a difficult transition, it can
sometimes feel as though these feelings we’re having are going to last forever.
We may feel stuck in how we’re experiencing this transition and think that
things may not get much better. We may come down hard on ourselves for finding
it so difficult when we think that others were able to get though it “just
fine.” I’m here to tell you dear mama that your feelings are valid. I’m here to
gently remind you that everyone experiences transitions differently but we may
think that others are able to get through them just fine however we simply don’t
know what they’re feeling or what they’re going through. We sometimes take
things at face value and reach conclusions without knowing for sure which in
turn can make us feel bad about ourselves because we think others have it all
together, yet we’re struggling daily to make it through. There’s nothing wrong
with you for finding a particular transition difficult-your feelings are there for
a reason. Listen to yourself and give yourself time to process it all.
Envision what things may
look like after the difficult transition has passed. This is a very useful technique I sometimes use with my clients
(and I use it too!). Let’s say you’re transitioning your child from your room
to their own room and you’re having all sorts of nervous, yet excited feelings about
it. You’re nervous because you’ve been so used to having them at arm’s reach
and being able to check on them frequently throughout the night, yet you’re
also excited to have your bedroom back and hopefully get better sleep for the
both of you. First off, know that all your feelings are valid. Then take a
moment to envision what it may look like when your child has settled nicely
into their new environment and you have your privacy back. It may help settle
some of the angst you have and help you keep going throughout the transition to
think of the end goal and how nice it may be.
Transitions are difficult and we may not talk about them with
each other enough which may make us feel more lonely and isolated in how we’re
feeling. You’ll get through it mama, it won’t always be this unsettling or
frightening.
Choosing the right daycare for your child can be tricky and
I know it can already be a time of heightened emotions as you think about leaving
your baby in the care of someone else.
Here are some of the things that helped me in choosing the right daycare
for my child and I hope they help you too!
Start early– here in Canada our maternity leaves are typically 12-18 months long and I started looking for a daycare when my babies were both around 3 months old. I started doing an online search of all the daycares close to me and I read reviews on each one. Daycares fill up fast so the sooner you start, the more likelihood you’ll find a spot at your preferred daycare.
Make a list of the most important things you want in a daycare. This will help you decide which daycare to go with at the end-the one that meets most of your criteria. Of course no daycare centre is perfect but when you take time to think about what is most important to you at the daycare where your child will be, it will really help you choose the right daycare that you’re most comfortable with.
Personally visit each daycare centre. Make a list of all the potential daycare centres you are interested in and call each one. Set up appointments to go in and take a look around and meet the staff. This step is huge!
Pay attention to how things run and ask make a list of questions to ask. When you’re visiting the daycare centre, here are some things you may want to pay attention to:
Class layout-are there activities/toys that seem in relatively good condition? What kinds of things are available for the children to play with?
Daycare’s philosophy: Ask the daycare about their philosophy and if they encourage mostly free unstructured play or if they have planned activities with the children or both.
Toys-do they get sanitized/cleaned regularly? Do they rotate the toys? Do the toys appear to be safe for your child’s developmental level?
Food- ask to see a menu and ask about portions.
If you are still breastfeeding and would like to continue breastfeeding your child while they are at daycare, discuss this with the daycare from the start. Just be prepared that if you do go in at mid-day to breastfeed your child, leaving him/her again might be very difficult- I talk from experience!
The caregivers can make or break the class so get to know them and observe their interaction style with the children. Do they seem overwhelmed and easily frustrated by the children? Do they complain about their job to you? Do they seem warm and nurturing?
Biting/hitting policy- it’s important to know this ahead of time so you know what to expect in case your child gets hurt or hurts another child.
Sick policy-most daycares have a policy regarding when a child has to go home after exhibiting certain symptoms and how long they have to be symptom-free before returning.
Does the daycare have more enhanced technology in that they provide parents with pictures/updates throughout the day? Some daycares have Ipads that the staff use to take pictures and email to the parents which most parents find reassuring.
Trust your instincts. This is where your child will be spending most of his/her day. If you walk in and you don’t feel welcomed, or if you feel that everyone seems stressed/overwhelmed and that you just don’t have a good vibe, chances are you’re right.
Transitioning Your Child:
Go for several visits at different times of the day. When you’ve narrowed your choice down to the daycare you’re most comfortable with, plan to go for visits 1-2 times a week, starting a few weeks before your child is due to start attending regularly. Visiting your chosen daycare at different times of the day is a good strategy-one day plan to go in the morning, another day go closer to lunch time and then go near the end of the day on another visit. This step is really important as it not only helps you see how the centre functions at different times of the day when different things are going on and perhaps different staff are around, but it will also help your child feel more comfortable in this new environment.
Transition your child slowly to the new daycare centre. I took my daughter for visits 1-2 times per week starting the month before returning to work so that she could become more comfortable and it really helped her transition. I would stay with her during these visits and then I had her stay by herself two half-days a week, and then two full days the week before returning to work. I wanted to make sure she was comfortable in her new environment and with the staff and that her naps were going well.
Engage with the daycare staff in front of your child. This will help your child learn that they are safe people and become more comfortable with them.
Provide your chosen daycare centre with important information about your child. This can include their nap-times, how they usually nap, their coping/soothing strategies and coping items, their likes and dislikes, anything that you think will help them know your child more and therefore help them transition as smoothly as possible.
Keep in mind: it will be a difficult transition for both you and your child even if you do all the above or some variance of it. Separation is not easy and it will take time for both of you to get used to it. Listen to your gut-if something doesn’t feel right, address it. Also, it helped me to have the realistic expectation that no childcare provider is perfect. Even a child’s own parents will still have their moments where they don’t act/talk in the best manner possible. We can’t expect the people caring for our children to be flawless and be Mary Poppins all day long around our children. Having said that, you should feel comfortable and reassured that you’re leaving your child in good hands.
It may be helpful to reach out to other mothers who are
currently in the same boat or have experienced putting their children in
daycare before. I had a wonderful friend who gave me a lot of encouragement and
reassurance and made the whole transition back to work much easier!
It will always be difficult leaving your child. I still miss my children everyday when I drop
them off but knowing that they’re happy and safe and in a stimulating, engaging
and nurturing environment is reassuring!
I feel you dear mama as the clock is ticking and the time
between now and your return to work is getting shorter. When you can’t imagine
spending so many hours away from your baby because you’ve been attached at the
hip since birth. I feel you and the tremendous guilt that is front and centre
in your mind and in your heart. The thought of someone else taking care of your
body and meeting his/her needs while you’re away which has been nagging at you
and it has taken everything within you not to go back on your decision to
return to work.
I know how hard it is imagining that someone else will be putting your baby down for their nap, and someone else will get to look at their adorable face as they wake up. I know how hard it can be to imagine that someone else will be feeding, changing, and playing with your baby. I know you love your child more than anything and that your decision to go back to work is one of the hardest decisions you’ve ever had to make. I know you’re taking as many pictures as you can so you can look at them when you’re at work, when your heart is longing to see your precious one. I know your eyes will well up when colleagues ask you how your baby is doing and you’ll choke back tears as you talk about them and how amazing they are. I know that the best part of your day will be the minute you walk in and see their eyes light up at seeing you and you embrace them so tightly and never want to let them go.
I know you try to think of all the perks you may enjoy while at work as a way to comfort yourself when you feel down. Perks such as eating your lunch uninterrupted, having adult interaction, and perhaps drinking your coffee or tea while it’s still warm. I know you may start to feel mom-guilt for thinking about these perks and how you may enjoy some of the time that you’re away from your child.
I know your maternity leave feels like it flew by and you wish you could pause time for a bit. I’m feeling that now as the weeks, days, and minutes seem to fly by as my maternity leave is coming to an end. I look back on this past year and I can’t believe where the time has gone. Of course during the beginning of my maternity leave when I was in the thick of it (aka newborn trenches, aka not sleeping more than 2-3 hours a night), the days felt like they were dragging on and some days I wished time would go faster to the point where my daughter would sleep better and I could have some time for myself instead of being on nursing duty 24/7. Now I wish time would slow down-way down.
I know it’s hard and a mother’s decisions are never easy.
Our societies expect mothers to work as if they don’t have children and finding
flexible, understanding workplaces is a rarity. I know you’re worried about how
you’ll manage it all and find that “balance.” I know you’re going to be giving
all your energy to your work and you may feel the guilt again when you get home
and you feel drained and wish you had more energy to give your child. I know that this balancing act is hard and
some things have to give for other things to happen.
But guess what? Although the first little while of adjusting
to this new routine will be difficult for you and your family, it will get
better. You’ll always miss your baby and you’ll always spend every free minute looking
at their pictures, but once you get into a good rhythm and find ways to cope and
keep the ship afloat, you’ll realize that initial gut-wrenching pain of being
away from your baby will become less and less. The time you spend together will
be much more special and you’ll find your new normal. You’ll be amazed at all
the interesting things your child is learning and you’ll feel so proud of this
little baby that is growing and developing and having fun.
It’s hard and I know you wonder if you’re doing the right
thing. I’m right there with you. We’ll all come out on the other side. One day
at a time.
I know some days are tough-really tough. Some phases in your
life that consist of weeks, months, or even years may have passed with great
difficulty and you’re unsure how you made it through, but you did. Even if
things are going relatively well in your life now, you may still have those
days that weigh so heavily on your heart and mind and you feel a tightness in
your chest for some reason that you just can’t put your finger on. To add to
all of this, there is no shortage of difficult news in our world today which
can add to our hurting hearts and make it all the more harder to cope and
function in our day-to-day lives.
I want you to know that you have a beautiful heart dear
mama. Your heart experiences the whole range of possible emotions, sometimes
all in one day. You have so much love for your children and your family, yet
you have this nagging worry in your mind that doesn’t leave you. You feel proud
of your children, you feel concern for their well-being, you feel sad, you feel
happy, you feel disappointed, you feel lonely and you feel exhausted. You feel
loved, you feel down, you feel good, you feel accomplished, you feel and feel
and feel. I want you to know that your feelings are valid and although you may
sometimes think that you “shouldn’t” feel a certain way-that’s just not the way
emotions work. The important thing with our feelings is to acknowledge them,
sit with them, recognize them, accept them, then find ways to cope with them.
There is more and more research out there about the heart and how it has its own “little brain.” The vagus nerve is one of the nerves that connects the brain to the rest of the body. Interestingly, 80% of its bandwidth is taken up by carrying signals from the body to the brain. Our brains are constantly being fed information from our heart and gut and these signals play a critical role in how we think, feel and react. (info taken from Five Deep Breaths-The Power of Mindful Parenting by Dr. Genevieve Von Lob).
So the importance of taking care of your heart dear mama is essential. It entails trying to listen to what is going on inside of you, what you’re feeling, how those feelings are impacting your thoughts, and as a result, the impact it will have on your body and your behaviour. What do I mean by taking care of your heart? It could mean putting boundaries in place –boundaries from people and situations which may negatively affect you, as much as possible. It may entail unfollowing certain people from social media because their presence does not bring any positive value to your life and makes you feel less worthy because you think you don’t measure up. It entails avoiding or walking away from situations, conversations, or people that hurt you time and time again. It entails finding a way to make time for yourself where you can rejuvenate and do something you love. It entails viewing yourself as a valuable, loved, worthy human being who is deserving of compassion, care, and understanding. It can entail communicating your needs to those around you because you can’t keep doing it all and you need help. It can entail trying to love yourself and forgive yourself for past mistakes and work through the guilt that has festered over time.
Any step you take in taking care of your heart will be
impactful-just take that first step. While you’re taking that step, mindfully
tell yourself “I am taking care of my heart.” What could be more important?
Managing our expectations and keeping them realistic is essential to our mental health, our self-esteem, and our overall well-being. Managing my expectations of myself, my parenting, and my children has been one of the most important things I’ve done since becoming a mother. This didn’t happen overnight for me- it took a long time to get to a place where I’m okay with things not always going smoothly or if my house isn’t in the best state or if my children don’t always act the way I want them to.
When I first became a mom almost four years ago, I’d be mortified if my son started acting up in public. I’d think that everyone would be judging me for being a bad mother who couldn’t control her child’s behaviour and the negative tape would start playing. Since I’ve started setting realistic expectations for my children’s behaviour, I’m much more relaxed now (although it’s still a work in progress). For example, I went to a stars and strollers show at the movie theatre (it’s a show dedicated for moms who want to bring their babies to a movie and they keep the lights on and lower the volume and have changing tables around etc.) I called up a friend and we took our babies. Before going, I had set my expectations really low and told myself that if my daughter only let me watch 30 mins of a 2-hour movie, I’d be happy! My daughter gave me 30 mins of peace and quiet and happily sat on my lap and ate her snacks. She then became restless (rightfully so- she’s only 13 months!) so she started crawling around everywhere, cried at some points, climbed up and down the stairs, tried to eat stuff off the ground, etc.) We didn’t make it to the end of the movie which I was fine with. I chose to focus on the good aspects of our outing and the time she did let me enjoy rather than focus on the frustrating and exhausting moments. I knew from the outset that it wasn’t going to be a smooth outing yet it wasn’t all bad and it went almost better than I expected. Having realistic expectations of my daughter really helped.
Having reaIistic expectations of yourself is also so important. I hear a lot of mothers saying they wish they had more time and energy to cook more homemade meals, maintain a clean and organized home, take their children to more playgroups/activities, plan outings with their friends and resume some sort of a social life, carve out time to work out, among a multitude of other things. Yes it’s good to aspire to do better, but the problem becomes when these aspirations dampen our spirits, make us feel that these goals are unattainable and therefore we’re failing somehow, and make us feel that we’re not doing this whole motherhood thing right. None of these things are actually true. When we become mothers, are bodies and minds are consumed with caring for our children and we expect so much more of ourselves when caring for children is a full-time 24-hour/day job in and of itself.
Take a moment and look at your life and all your responsibilities and commitments and marvel at how well you’ve been doing this far. You do laundry once a week? Great. You cook one meal a week? Awesome. You did something for yourself this week? Fabulous. You survived an outing with your children and everyone came back home safely and somewhat happy? Marvelous.
You may see other moms who seem to be juggling more than you but please for your sake, your family’s sake and your sanity’s sake, don’t compare yourself to others. We are all so different in terms of our bodies, our capabilities, our support systems, our family dynamics, etc. No one has it all together, no one.
I know it’s hard to redefine our expectations when we’re used to a particular standard but here are some tips that I have found helpful:
Prioritize. Before going to sleep at night, make a list of
the top 5 things that need to be done the next day. Factor in all
appointments/meetings and figure out what tasks need to be done before/after. This
will help keep you organized and it may reduce your stress from all the other things
that you feel you need to do, but don’t have enough time for.
Done list. At the end of the day, make a mental note- or
even better write it out – of all the things you did accomplish that day-even
the smallest of tasks. This can make us feel so productive and accomplished and
it’ll show you that you’re probably doing more than you think you are.
Positive Affirmations. Positive affirmations are this treasure that
not very many people know about, yet has substantial benefits on our mindset
and our well-being. Imagine if you told yourself throughout the day “I’m doing
the best I can,” “my children love me’ “I
am a good mother.” There are so many
affirmations that can really help you change your mindset and help with making more
realistic expectations. I like telling myself before an outing with my kids “it
may not go smoothly or as well as I’d like, but that’s ok. I’m not a bad mother
if my children act out or don’t listen to me. Worst case scenario, we’ll just
come back home.” This really helps me instead of expecting that things “should”
go smoothly and that everyone will be on their best behaviour and listen to me.
The latter expectation will only set me up for more frustration.
You’re
doing a great job. You have so much potential to do the things you want and
need to do but give yourself some grace if you can’t do it all at once.
There’s so much emphasis on pregnancy, labour, and childbirth but I’ve noticed that the postpartum experience of a mother isn’t given as much attention as it deserves. Regardless of how many times you’ve already experienced it, each postpartum experience can be different and comes with unique struggles and joys. After enduring labour pains, childbirth and then experiencing all the emotional highs of meeting your precious baby, the postpartum period can be quite challenging on so many levels.
I recently took a training course on postpartum recoveries and practices in different cultures and I was astounded to learn how mothers are treated in different parts of the world. In Morocco for example, the mother is held in such high stature and is tended to for at least 40 days by family and friends. There are beautiful traditions that take place in this culture and in many others where the mother is enveloped in support by those around her and all that is required of her is to rest, take care of herself, and her child. According to studies done, the incidences of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders in these cultures is noticeably less.
I find here in North America the postpartum experience is generally quite different. Mothers may be living away from family or they may be living near family but their families are unable to support them as much as is needed. Mothers may end up feeling alone, isolated, burnt out, and ultimately, depressive symptoms start to arise along with heightened anxiety, among other mental health challenges.
The supportive village that is so essential to mothers’ emotional, physical, and mental wellbeing is unfortunately not the norm. Mothers are having to juggle housework, school/daycare drop-offs and pick-ups (for those with multiple children) as well as keeping up with so many other demands. This is all being done while the mother is simultaneously trying to take care of a newborn baby with needs around the clock, as well as trying to heal herself and recover from such a remarkable experience. She may find that hours have gone by without a sip of water or a bite to eat as she’s trying to manage the demands of her new life and trying to adjust and find some semblance of a functional routine.
The postpartum experience can be even more challenging when a mother receives negative comments or unsolicited advice that may leave her feeling less confident, more guilty, and less equipped to care for her baby. We need to encourage and empower mothers to seek help when they need it, and to also trust their intuition. When offering a mother advice, it should be done with kindness, compassion, and letting her know that she should decide what is best for her baby.
Many mothers I’ve spoken to discuss how lonely they feel and that they struggle along their motherhood journeys and these feelings are further perpetuated by society’s expectations to bounce back and manage everything all on their own. This isn’t even mentioning the difficulties some mothers experience with returning to work so soon after the birth of their baby (in some countries, maternity leaves are only 45 days- I’ll be dedicating an entire post to this so stay tuned).
There’s a lot of emphasis on baby’s health and how baby is doing which is of course essential, however do we look as closely to the mother’s health and well-being? Many women are not screened for mental health challenges at their 6-week check-ups and they are sometimes too afraid or embarrassed to open up about how they are feeling to others. What could we be doing better as a society to help support, empower, and encourage mothers during such a pivotal time of their lives?
I’m sure we can all agree how beneficial and great breastfeeding is but do we also talk about how common it is to experience breastfeeding difficulties? I did a poll on my Instagram stories recently and 75% of moms indicated that they found breastfeeding difficult at some point.
Breastfeeding is amazing and miraculous and when you really think about it, it’s absolutely wonderful. However, I think a lot of us moms are shocked when we first attempt breastfeeding our babies and find it’s not as easy or straight-forward as we thought it would be. I mean, how could it be so hard? You just put baby on your breast and away he/she goes with the feeding- surely our mothers and their mothers did it so it must be easy because no one ever talked about it being hard. Then we try it and we realize it’s not what we expected it to be like. We think we’re doing it all wrong because we’ve never heard another mom talk about how much it hurts when the baby latches on or that it took a month for their baby to learn how to latch and feed properly or that they had gut-wrenching pain with every feeding. We never heard of cracked nipples and soreness and the exhaustion from trying and trying to feed and get the perfect latch and positioning and still our babies come off hungry and fussy and we feel all our hard work has gone down the drain. We never heard about mastitis and plugged ducts or tongue ties/lip ties.
You may start thinking that you’re the only one struggling and that you’re messing up this whole motherhood thing. But you’re not. You’re not alone and you’re not messing it up. It really is that hard.
I’ve been wanting to write this post for some time now because I’ve heard from so many mothers about how challenging their breastfeeding journey was. I want to normalize how difficult it can be so that when a new mom tries to breastfeed and realizes how hard it is, she doesn’t come down hard on herself or think that she’s the only one. If you’re having breastfeeding troubles, know that so many mothers are experiencing or have experienced the exact same thing. There is lots of help out there if you need it- lactation consultants really helped me along my breastfeeding journey so don’t be afraid to reach out.
I had a lactation consultant help me out in the hospital before being discharged and then I had a nurse come out to my house two days after being home with my son and she really helped me with positioning and latching. I thought I was prepared since I had taken a prenatal breastfeeding workshop and I had read all sorts of books before having my first baby but when it came down to the real deal, I was lost and confused. I spent hours on the couch feeding my son for the first couple months and I remember feeling so disheartened every time I read online that nursing sessions shouldn’t take more than 45 minutes on average and that newborns typically eat every 3 hours- both of which were far-fetched realities for me.
Most of the mothers I personally know have also experienced some difficulty of some sort with breastfeeding. You are not any less of a good mother if breastfeeding didn’t work out for you. I hear from many mothers that breastfeeding is a huge source of guilt because it didn’t work out the way they had hoped. Your feelings are 100% valid but the good news is that there are so many opportunities for you to bond with your baby and give him/her a great start in life.
So if you’re currently struggling with breastfeeding or you have struggled in the past, please know this: you’re not failing- breastfeeding really can be that hard.
The newborn phase- a time of learning how to take care of a baby that is fully dependent on you while also trying to recover from one of the most challenging/remarkable experiences of your life.
It can be a time of trying new things, learning, unlearning and doing it all over again day after day.
I’m here to tell you that it’s ok to feel overwhelmed and to find this phase extremely challenging. It’s ok to not enjoy every single minute as we’re sometimes advised to do by well-meaning individuals. It’s ok for us to just focus on surviving this phase and not having to worry about fitting back into our pre-pregnancy clothes or on keeping our house in immaculate condition.
I recently came out of the newborn trenches aka newborn survival mode and I feel you dear mama. To the mom trying to feed a fussy baby for hours. To the mom who has to miss out on so many things (including sleep) because your baby needs you 24/7. To the mom sitting in her car or at home alone, or a mall change room, trying to feed her baby or put them to sleep with no luck. To the mom who just wants a three-hour stretch of sleep but even that seems too far off. To the mom who finds herself worrying about everything although she never thought she’d be that type of mother. To the mother who stays up at night (even when the baby’s asleep) thinking about whether she’s doing this motherhood thing right. When you feel overwhelming love for your child but you also feel stuck in this new whirlwind that you thought you were prepared for, but weren’t.
When you wonder how and when will it ever get easier? When you wonder to yourself where is this supportive village for mothers that everyone talks about? When you feel that everyone else’s world keeps going but yours has stood still.
To every mother- it seems like this is it and that it’ll never change. But it will. You may think how do all the other moms make it look so easy and why am I the only one who can’t figure this out? But no mother has it easy – not a single one of us, because this motherhood thing is hard.
I recently came out on the other side after potty training my daughter and I pretty much used the exact same method I used to potty train my son a few years ago. I’d like to share some tips on how I went about things to potty train both of my children. Of course it goes without saying that not all strategies will work for all children. Children are very different in their learning styles and speeds so don’t lose heart if you try an approach and it doesn’t work. And a lot of strategies depend on your child’s age and stage of development. So keep in mind dear mama that this is the approach I used for my children but the approach that works for your child may end up being very different.
And just a little note before we get started, this is a big skill for children to learn. Essentially, they’re letting go of something they’ve known their entire lives that has been so easy, safe, and convenient for them. Your child has been going in his/her diaper since the time he/she was born and has never needed to interrupt their playing to go and use the bathroom. So learning to do this and taking ownership for using the toilet/potty is a big task for them. Remembering this helped me during my times of frustration.
The key ingredients regardless of what approach you use are: patience, consistency, time, and compassion. There are many approaches out there, some of them are intense 3-day approaches, some are more flexible, and you may end up using a mix of different approaches (like I did). It depends on your situation and your child.
I was working full-time and was 7.5 months pregnant when we first started potty training my son so I was doing the majority of this training on the weekends and working with his preschool on it during the week. We first tried potty training our son when he was around 2.5 years old, but after many attempts over a two-week period and several accidents both at preschool and at home, and many frustrations and loads of laundry later, we decided to take a break from it and try it again after baby’s arrival. Our son was showing that he wasn’t quite 100% ready yet. We started again full-force about 4 months after our daughter was born. My son had just turned 3 and we gave it another go. It was much easier this second time around and the concept clicked much quicker. Of course he still had accidents here and there but he eventually started telling us whenever he needed to go. I’m glad we decided to take a break until he was more ready, and we were all in a better place to attempt it again.
With my daughter, I saw that she had some readiness signs at the end of the summer so we started then. I quickly realized that perhaps it was too early as we were having a very hard time. I took a break and returned to it a couple months later and the process took about a week for her to be potty trained during the day (I didn’t start nighttime training with her yet and I think I’ll hold off for a while-she sleeps in a pull-up or diaper at this point).
My Tips on How I Potty Trained:
Tip 1: Preparation: These are the items I had on hand to prepare for this undertaking which I recommend you have as well:
Potty
Your child’s favourite treats
Potty-related books
Underwear
Elastic-waist pants/shorts (much easier to pull down)
Carpet stain remover (trust me on this one)
Child’s toilet seat you can put on top of toilet
Travel toilet seat
I bought my children a few books on potties (some are linked below). We read the books several times for a good week or so and we watched the Daniel Tiger’s Neighbourhood episode on potty training a few times as well just to introduce the concept to them before any pressure of actually using the potty. My children also usually came with me to the bathroom so they were exposed to the idea early on (#momlife).
The week before I knew I wanted to start potty training, I talked to my children about it a lot. I told them that we couldn’t pee/poop in the diaper anymore and that the only places we could do it were in the potty or toilet. I talked to them about it every single day for a week. When the day came for us to actually start, they were accustomed to hearing this so many times which I think really helped.
Preparing your child is one thing, but preparing yourself is just as important. Try to pick a time where there aren’t other major things happening in your life as having too much going on can exacerbate the stress and frustration of this whole process. Potty training needs quite a bit of dedication so choose the time you start wisely 😉
Here are some of the items I found very helpful while potty training. I have affiliate links below to the items which means I make a small commission if someone purchases them using these links (I’m so appreciative of your support!)
2: Give your child the potty as if you’re giving them a gift. Have your child open the box with the potty in it as if he/she’s opening a surprise gift and really hype it up. It also helps to get your child underwear based on their favourite character to go along with the potty.
Tip 3: Take your child to the potty at regular, short intervals. Every morning, our routine started by having my children sit on the potty. Some days, in the early stages they would sit for a while and not do anything. I’d have them get up but I kept watching them closely and set the timer for five minutes and then I’d take them back on to try again. My general strategy was to get them to sit on the potty every 30 minutes. They would watch TV and/or read books or play with their toys while sitting on it. I also recommend giving your child extra fluids to increase their urge to go. I’d be standing very close to them and I kept giving them words of encouragement (sometimes I’d give them treats if they went in the potty). The first time my children actually peed/pooped in the potty, I made a big deal and let them choose a treat. I called their grandma and grandpa and told them the great news! Accidents happened during our process. When they happen, it’s important not to make too much of a big deal and to reinforce that we can try again next time.
Tip 4: Pick the approach you’re most comfortable with (diapers/no diapers/pull-ups). I know some parents do the “rip the bandaid” approach where they throw out all the diapers in the house in the garbage in front of their child and tell them “no more diapers, just underwear from now on” to further drive home the concept. I personally didn’t do this but it can certainly be effective. I used pull-ups because I wanted my children to wear them during naps and at bedtime. Some may not agree with this approach but it’s just what worked for us. I would emphasize to my children that these were called pull-ups and that they were not diapers. I would keep my children in underwear most of the time but I did put them in pull-ups some days if we had to go out of the house and as mentioned they wore them while they slept for the first little while until I could see that they were waking up with their pull-ups being dry. Regardless if they were in pull-ups or wearing underwear though, I still took them to the potty or toilet every 30 minutes
Tip 5:Keep reminding your child to tell you when they need to go. Children need a lot of reinforcement, encouragement and patience during this process. They also need to continuously hear “tell me when you need to go potty.” I kept telling my children this all day in order for it to finally click (one book I read said children need to hear this around 100 times a day for it to register and for it to come to mind when they need to go). It took my son a few days to start consistently telling me when he needed to go and by day 3 my daughter was telling me when she had to go (this will be a major breakthrough moment). The reason this is important is that it gives them a sense of responsibility and ownership instead of relying on you to take them every little while.
Tip 6: Keep a potty easily accessible in the place you spend the most time. I recommend keeping a potty in the area where you spend the most time-living room, kitchen, playroom, etc. This way, it’s easier to take your child at frequent intervals to try going instead of running to the bathroom every little while. Also, the potty might not be as intimidating as the toilet when you’re starting off. The toilet can look scary for children because it’s high off the ground and their feet can’t touch the ground when they’re on it so they feel as though they are hanging.
Tip 7: Try to focus on your child and watch him/her for signs that they need to go. Try your best to watch your child when they’re off the potty for signs that they need to go. Some parents generally know when their children need to go and try to get them on the potty. Some approaches recommend that you stay home for the whole duration while potty training. I know this sometimes isn’t feasible and giving your child your full undivided attention may be difficult especially if you have other children and responsibilities to tend to, but just try your best. If you need to go out for a bit, just make sure to time it right after your child has gone on the potty and make it a routine that they have to use the potty before going out.
Tip 8:Toilet Training. Once your child seems to be getting the hang of things, you can try him/her on the toilet. I highly recommend getting a children’s toilet seat that fits on top of the toilet as it’ll make them feel safer. Some even have handles that the child can hold onto while sitting down. You can also get a foldable compact one to take when going out to put on top of public bathroom toilet seats. If you’re out and still in the potty training trenches, it’s a good idea to have your child practice going in an unfamiliar environment. You can go first and show them how it’s not scary and then have them try. The more exposure and practice, the better.
Tip 9:Get support. Potty training can be emotionally, mentally, and physically draining. Discuss with your partner if they can take the evening potty training shift and/or to take it on for part of the weekend so you can get some distance and some rest from it all.
Tip 10: Give your child choices whenever possible. It can really help to give your child choices and a sense of control whenever possible during this process. Ask them “Would you like to use the potty or toilet?” or “Which book/toy would you like to bring with you to the potty?” “Would you like me to read you this book or that book while you sit on the potty?”
Side note regarding bowel movements: Just to let you know, bowel movements may take more time as it can be scarier for children, but they will eventually get it. It’s important not to rush the process or show our children our frustration, as it can backfire. Whenever my children pooped in their pull-up or underwear, I’d take them to the bathroom, empty out the contents of the pull-up/underwear into the toilet and have them flush it. I’d explain to them every time that the toilet or the potty is where poop belongs and eventually, it clicked.
In Summary…
Preparing your child beforehand by reading books/watching shows and talking to them about it is important and can reduce resistance to the whole idea. Try to take them at regular intervals and pay attention to the signs they’re giving when they’re off the potty because that’ll help you prevent accidents.
I hope some of these tips help, and again, don’t come down hard on yourself or your child if this approach doesn’t work or if any other approach you try doesn’t work right away. It may be that your child needs more time until they’re ready as this is a big step! It’s okay to take a break if things aren’t progressing. Self-compassion and compassion for your child throughout this process are going to be incredibly important!
